Bye.2009

Another 插曲

2009-12-29T08:32:00.000-08:00

I watched Sherlock Holmes with Fervyn yesterday and we were walking along Orchard Road when a white sportcar drove past at a god-knows-how-fast speed.

Fervyn: Why is that person driving my car?
Maryln: I thought it was going to transform.

怎么了；我累了

2009-12-26T02:25:00.000-08:00

爱，我累了；疲惫不堪。
你不知道。
我知道付出不应该期待回报。
我知道自己不应该把自己的要求套到别人身上，
可是，是谁给了我期待？
不要让我再说了好吗？
如果你给不起，就不要给我期待，因为我会失望。
我不喜欢给任何人期待，我尽量说道做到。
我喜欢林合隆，因为他认真地工作，他喜欢大家跟着他的脚步，与他同一个步调，速度与质地一致。
我相信速度与质感是可以一起的。
I believe that quantity and quality can exist together and it's for us to accomplish.

为什么我的付出往往都会只有失望。
是我的期待太大了吗？
并没有，真的没有。
可是连那么一丁点你都给不起。

如果我保护自己，我会对不起你；
可是我的心却是安全的，快乐的。
因为对你没有了期待，所以对你的给予会感动，会满足。
算了，我都说我累了，失去的找不回。
一次次的失望中，学会成长，因为你真的不值得。

==================================

每每因为我真的爱你所以我掩饰自己看得见的。
每每因为他比你好太多了所以我告诉自己不能对你不公平
算了算了因为有时候想想，你不值得。
如果你不改变，那么你将会失去一个个爱你的人。
让我们相信你知道好吗？
怀念以前的你，不做作，不刻意，的你。

Today; The Day

2009-12-22T03:45:00.000-08:00

Today is the day! HAHA!

Many things happened today!

My mom woke me up like in the early morning morning when I was sauntering (New word learnt: this should be the right way to use it) I think around some lalabeach with Mike. My mom wanted me to 'roll' the "glutinous" balls for her!

Then, we went to my grandma's. Had lunch, baibai-ed my ancestors, talked to my grandma abit... My grandma... aged. She no longer speaks as loud as she used to so that we are all finally deaf. She no longer walks all the way to some random market to buy the cheapest tofu in Singapore. She no longer repeats her pastime stories over and over again. She can hardly understand what I am telling her and she has actually mistaken me for my sister.

After we had talked to my grandma, my mom and I went to the salon (the one @ tiong bahru my mom always go for some reason). My mom dyed her hair, did a treatment and pedicure with maryln-chosen shiny red. I cut my fringe and did pedicure with mom-chosen golden.

We bought a new bed for my grandma.
Her old bed is 26 years old and basically everyone in my 'big family' slept on that bed at least once in their lifetime. It was bought when my parents got married. That bed costs $200+. Assuming it's around $10 per annum, this bed is actually bought for use of $0.027 per day! LOL!
The new bed is some bed endorsed by Felicia Chin. HAHA! It was a random decision because that old bed was like tofu.

Conversation between Grandma, mom and me
Mom: mami, li eh meng ceng tai nua liao (mom, your bed is too soft)
Mom: lo gun gong dui gu tao boh ho (the doctor says it's bad for your health)
Mom: wa buay ji eh sin eh hor li (Let me buy a new one for you)

Grandma: mah la mah la... wa ai dui qi sio liao...mai 'waste' jin (No, no... Anyway, I'm going to be burnt soon...)

Me: Dai ka lai si (touch wood)
Me: Ah ma, ji eh dui ni eh gu tao bu ho, buay xin eh hor li kian kong (grandma, this is bad for your bones, the new one will be healthier)

Grandma: mai la mai lah... (No..no...)

Mom: lao ka wu buay boh? (Do they sell bed downstairs?)

Grandma: wu ah...ji lei san ba gui kor...jin gui...ma/// la ma la(yeah, it costs around $300...so expensive.. no...no...)

Mom: wo buay hor li lah... wo jio ah jun ah ling heng, yi nang zuo kang liao(let me buy for you, or I ask angeline and celine pay, they are working)

Grandma: ah...oh... (ah? ok)

me:..................................................................................

I think my grandma is so cute.

The old bed.. I was quite shocked because I didn't expect it to be this bad.

Last.. just random because I'm eating berries now. Why are berries feminine? Then, what are the masculine fruits? Bananas? LOL!

Question: When should I put a comma in front of when and when I should not?

Enrich me!

2009-12-20T02:08:00.000-08:00

I think I sound like a total bitch sometimes.
I don't mean it. I just don't know how to express myself so that it's 'correct'.
It is easy to lie. This fact dawned on me that day I went to watch Avatar with Zhenzhen who insists all the time that we are true friends because we don't meet up very often but we know we are there for each other and we are really still close. I think I made many such friends, quality not quantity. (the Nth time I'm repeating this)

Back to the 'lie', I lied that day. It's something really very very very very very ultimately minor. I assumed I am somebody awfully honest because I am most of the time. Then, I realised I have been lying for convenience. I lied because I knew if I don't it will invite nuisance. I lied because it will appear to be good on me.

It is for us to unveil the darkness side of our own and whether you choose to admit it to yourself.

I enjoyed my family time today! We went to baibai early in the morning today! After our baibai-ing, we went to Mcdonalds for breakfast when I shared hot cakes (as hot as myself) and big breakfast with my dear sister. We went home. I think about an hour later, Angeline drove me to IMM so that I can do my assessment shopping while she did some other stuffs. I failed to 'spot' any xmas presents for zhenzhen + Liwen but I saw something I would like to buy for my 'angel'. But it's not in my angel's list.

I am going to sacrifice an important SMART day for tuition and I can't believe it.
I shall finish reading the Assessment book which I bought for Eddie today!
I think it's really enriching.

This is a simple post and I like it!

Funny how I blogged!
My shits were irritating! They came in bits and pieces.

Happy

2009-12-19T03:41:00.000-08:00

I accepted another tuition offer this afternoon.
Primary 4 kid EMS.

Eddie's mom called me to tell me that she wants to have tuition for Eddie just a moment ago.
I agreed. And I actually feel happy.

I got 4 kids now. I think(know) it's too many. I felt that three was the perfect number but I genuinely wants to teach Eddie. I don't know why but I really feel happy about that even though it's really frustrating sometimes when I need to scold him.

Undeniably, I get a sense of achievement from Eddie because he improves and also because he's more like a friend to me. Rachel and Ryan are good but...more stranger-like but still I like them! HAHA

In other words, 6 days of Tuition. It's crazy right? I will try to squeeze into 4 days. The nameless primary 4 will have to take a weekend and a weekday or otherwise that fits into the other two. And hopefully afternoon is okay for her! But I quite like myself keeping myself busy! Buzzing helps myself to organize myself!

Jiayous! I shall Work Harder for English.
I have to admit I'm not exactly that good at English, but not 'bad' either - in my own measuring scheme. Kiss all sentence structure, grammar, vocabulary, comprehension, etc!
Sciences and Math isn't much of a problem.
2010 shall be filled with TUITION!

I keep thinking of this you know!
GOSH! My mind is sooo tuitionny now!

Avatar!

2009-12-18T08:30:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm here to blog about a Movie again!

Disclaimer: This will be a damn long post.

And I really liked it! AVATAR! I swear it's awesome!
I wanted to watch it since I watched the trailer!
I wanted to watch something related to human's dominance over the 'world'.

Summary of the story:
http://www.avatarmovie.com/
> Site Navigation
> Story

First, I asked myself if I will be willing to leave Earth for another planet for the wonder of science/nature. I won't. It didn't take me too long to make this conclusion because I can't and I won't leave everything here in Earth regardless of how much money you're going to give me, unless the terms are really good and it's like 9am - 5pm. But considering in terms of the terms given in the movie, I won't. But putting myself into the shoes of Jack, perhaps I will, since nothing can be worse than being paralysed. I've seen it, I know. I admire those physically paralysed because I know I don't have the will and power to overcome that. I totally refuse to imagine if I need to. To live or to die?

Second, I was qutie angry at Jack for being cocky and for not following the rules. I like people who are confident of themselves and I like people who are certain, knowing what they want. But I don't like people being cocky and promising for what that is more than required. (Don't promise for what you can't) Rules are important because they are guidelines to how we should act. Stories are stories. The what ifs don't happen in stories just like they always happen in reality. The absurd Whatifs occur to go with the plot though - coincidences.

Third, in the movie, the blue kind is supposed to be the protagonist kind and humans are the brutal antagonistic kind. I didn't quite like this. HAHA! Jack ended up as a blue kind which I felt that a happier ending will be the female alien-name lead becomes a human instead of Jack ending up as a blue kind. However, I know the way it is makes the plot 'correct'. They don't have to please me. HAHA! And they are designed to be 'african-like' , I guess it does shows the linkage of africans with nature because they are the least modernise. I shall not touch on the irony of the story if not this post won't end.

Fourth, I quite like the love story there. It makes sense for them to fall in love. The timing is alright. And it makes sense for them to 生米煮成熟饭. Okay, this was the chinese subtitles that cracked me up sooo badly in the theatre. I just can't help it when she said it. And all of them wear Gstring. It's so uncomfortable. They have yet to modernise sufficiently to understand the modernday culture. They have yet to evolve to the way humans behave. We were like the bluekind; they are like our africans. And today, we progressed from there. Is the progression bad? I doubt. Cavemen age is truly for yesterday and it shall not be our tomorrow to salvage our mother because it's mother that led us this way isn't it? It's the mother's wonder but it's the human's nature that got things twisted.

Fifth, I was quite surprised the part about jealousy isn't very much illustrated here. Instead, the story is more on unity, it shows more of the better side rather than the bad. It's supposed to show that human beings are bad. But again, I think the part about the anatagonist is exaggerating because I believe no human will have the ruthlessness to kill that many living things. We don't have anymore hilter around, do we? We are not that cruel. I don't think we are. Perhaps, our ancesstors. Perhaps, the navy, the army, the airforce...but not civilians like me. (They are the respective forces! LOL)

Sixth, I really liked the part of their imagination with the possibilities that technology can have in association with nature. It's so much about uploading and downloading and it's part of nature now. You can upload your train of thoughts and download it into another body and you are in another body. Information transfer. Travelling in spaceship. It's just incredible and awesome for their ability to crap out such stuffs for us all to watch.

Seventh, I wonder why none of the blue kind is fat. Oh! Now I know because they have high metabolism rate with their 'awesome' physical activies like climbing around. I will just die there. I will die of phobia of heights and I will scream with my 'bird'. But I really like the usb they have! I want a usb to connect myself to an animal too!

Eight, the movies aren't really out of box because they design the aliens a very human way. I doubt whether things like colours even exist in other planets. Are things like colors, temperature, molecules universal? The universe is truly too big for us to explore.

P.S. I watched it FOC with free popcorn, natchos and coke! WOOHOOO

------------------
sleepy! nights!

Little things

2009-12-16T07:24:00.000-08:00

I did non-tiring yoga this morning coz I woke up late.
Surfed the net for a few hours.
Meet up with zhenzhen, supposing at 1pm, changed to 2pm and eventually meet at 3pm.
It was truly quality time. 3hours felt that 8 hours.
Bought pokka dots dress/top which looks like $15 but actually $30.

I think I vent quite some bit of my frustrated to zhenzhen including those I thought I will not.
Family, Friends, SMART.
I scrap ACE out of my life now.
If nobody is doing anything, I will be the one doing something.
This is my motto all the time.
This is why I decided to email ACE people to get things going.
I don't like to wait for things to happen, I want to be the one that make thing I happen.
I like to be ahead of time whenever I can. Implement it; it's not just think of it.

I can't help to feel irritated over my acceptance to extortion.
I actually described it as extortion. When I'm forced to do things I dislike
but I do it with consent because it will not appear to be good
and I don't understand why one can be that hypocritical to even mention;
as hypocritical as myself; but I know when I should stop if I don't mean to.
If you really meant to, I opened it up for you to act.
You did not.
I need to know how to reject; not friends but acquaintances.

Once again, to whoever who asked for my help,
before you ask for my help, help yourself.
Or rather, ensure that you have helped yourself sufficiently enough to convince me; you are worth my help.
And F you if you see me as your memory tool.
My good memories aren't meant for you if you don't even have the minimum effort to remember things that are most probably 1 byte.
I'm sorry; I forgot you are too dumb to remember those stuffs or am I too clever?
It's not that hard to 'google'.
Scientists invent the cyberspace for a purpose.
Scientists/Engineers did not invent the cyberspace for your lazy convenience.

I always have to disclaim but again I disclaim.
My blog is not for anyone to make assumptions.
It's for myself to relieve and reflect; and to bitch.
This explains why I put myself at such a 'high' position when I blog in frustration because the world revolves around me. And it's true because the world truly revolves around each and everyone one of the "I".
And I have this weird thing about believing I'm the real "I".
Don't ask me about it because I freak at this fact myself. LOL
Funny but it's just this way.

Random!

2009-12-15T04:40:00.000-08:00

HAHA! We no longer do this.....
Deleted alot of the exvideos we did together one fine day!
Now I dont think either of us have any of the videos left! HAHA! Those stupid funny things!

Well... Video blogging ORIGINAL and originated at Esplanade rooftop when it was raining one fine day and we started to video and sing random songs!
And we know who's the coffee bean and who's the star bucks! LOL!
I'm sooo random I swear!

Quoted:
Us: Why don't you do this?
XXX: Huh
Us: Oh! Coz we always video that way, I thought you like to copy us?

LOOOOLLLLLL

Thoughts rolling

2009-12-09T06:33:00.001-08:00

As titled.

I feeeeeeel ddaaaaaaaaammmmmnnnn frrrruuusssttttrrrraaatttteeeeeeeeddddddddddd......

I hate this week!

Turn around Me

2009-12-09T05:15:00.000-08:00

I can't help getting frustrated because I want the world to revolve around me. This is selfish but who doesn't right? We all want things to go our way, letting nature takes its course applies to the 'nature' that you want, unless you don't have a choice or preference. My thoughts don't flow now because I'm frustrated by RP! This is my most hated man! I hate RP more than anything else because it's so vague. I don't like how it is conducted or arranged at all. The chapters lack logic that I can see, I eat this back. It lacks the very organised and well classified way of organizing. Shit the module creator; don't be a lecturer if you can't even write notes. Topics are supposed to have their flow and classification which I think RP seriously lacks!
Please ignore that paragraph coz I seriously want to bitch because I can't get it going. It's just my PMS. It's next week you see. What an early PMS! I need a reason to be genuinely happy. I keep binge-ing on fruits because I think it's healthier? I ate like 2 persimmons, a box of strawberries, unless cherries.... GOSH! help me! I'll die of sugars I swear!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I just can't wait for Friday! I want this bloody test to end.
I pinned too much hopes on myself.
I did not work as much as I anticipated. (other than for law and constructions undeniably)
I just.... feel frustrated because I don't want to fail myself.

I don't deny.

2009-12-07T02:04:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: Don't make assumptions because you end up making the wrong ones, I know you will. I read my own mind.

I thought and reflected. I don't deny my desire to prove myself, I don't deny my burning desire to get good grades and I don't deny my effort to achieve what I desire. These are for my ultimate goal to excel; to excel not to win. I agree that excelling comprises of being better than others because the contrast proves the excellence. However, ultimately, I put my concentrate on excelling not winning.

Get it?

Reap what you sow,
Sow what you reap.
This applies to an individual basis because the rate of sow/reap varies in everyone's case. Some people just so happens to have a higher rate of sow/reap like... Mozart? Beethoven? Don't put your expectations on me. Don't think I'm a geek just because you're a stupid nerd. I'm sorry. I just happen to be clever. And there are hell lot of people cleverer than me. It's an endless scale of comparison; unlimited.

I am quite a bitch because I most probably "commented" on everyone's flaws to people whom I'm close with at least once. I "comment" on flaws I see. I'm vicious, I don't deny. What's wrong with that? We are all flawed. I procastinate. I lie. I expect others to contribute more than myself - this is selfish sorry because I choose to protect myself with my shell.

I'm sorry if I didn't sound nice because I get frustrated when others tell me that they get my point when they don't. Seeing the picture isn't a task at all - a chore. Is it?

Then, I realised I'm not selfish. Because you are; all of you. I can't believe I actually cried for it, especially when I know it's not worth my tears at all. Perhaps it's non-intentional. But why did my intentional help out of goodwill, received a selfish response. I didn't know until friendx told me. I didn't expect myself to feel so much for it. Perhaps it has been sometime since I last feel that someone can be so selfish.

It reminds me of memories I want to burry, I want to erase, I want to alter - just like how the wizard is able to alter his memories in Harry Potter.

I am truthful when I lie.

Happens

2009-12-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I don't blog I ask myself if I had lost my voice.

Life is just simple.

I went to the airport to pick up Angeline with my parents and Celine yesterday at 11pm. I puked again because I had car sick. It was qutie bad. I don't want that problem to come back to me again. I
used to vomit every single time I take a car. I can't stand traffic jams because the car keeps stopping and going and stopping and going and stopping and going and stopping and going. Please don't.

It was yesterday when I realised that I haven't been spending much time when my family. My parents have to look for me in my room "all the time" because when I'm home I switch on my laptop and do all the 'outstanding' work I need to do for "SMART". Subs, translations, updates; I filled my life with them? How pathetic. I'm tired. But I can't leave. I can't put everything behind me. It's totally absurd and stupid because I know I can. I love them. Still, I feel ashamed for being trapped in this little corner. Yet, I feel proud to be a part. It's tiring.

Eli said that I have this love-hate relationship with my handphone. I admit that I do have love-hate relationship or rather emotions with a lot of things.
I like my laptop for being mine and I cherish it.
But I don't like it when it lags.
I like eating because it makes me happy.
But I don't like the weight it puts onto me.
I like buying things
But I don't like to use money.
I have fast mood swings and I don't deny. It's funny but it is the way it is! I'm always a rollercoaster.
Sometimes, I hope I can change my parents' thoughts. They don't see and they don't understand reality. What if?
I can't mix and match or customise my own life, can I? There are things that we can't decide which actually makes life life the way it is. Is it the challenge? If every baby were given a chance to mix and match their own life, what will you choose? I don't need rich parents. I don't need brothers. I like the 'amount' of wisdom I'm given, not as much as Fervyn's but sufficiently enough for me to think the way I want to. The only thing I'll want to ask to change for my current combo given is perhaps my size. (And parents with more EQ, they don't need IQ. LOL)

I wished 2009 ended in September. Fervyn is right. It was still too early to conclude the year. I guess I'm saying this because of my frustration over matters. I'm frustrated but I don't know why.

I don't want to blog about my phone. Lessons learnt. I don't really dislike my phone that much as I thought I know.
I should eat more fruits because I'm face condition is worsening! I'm eating cherries now! I think we're supposed to eat like in the morning right? haha

My Own

2009-11-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

Mehmeh is finally 18 years old.

I think this post might become quite a spoiler to everyone who bothered to celebrate my birthday for me.

I feel blessed. I really feel blessed.
I feel so bless to the extent that I question myself if I'm truly that important to 'everyone'.
Their lives still go on without me right?
I apologise if I didn't give the correct reaction I should because I don't want to be a hypocrite.
It troubles me sometimes that I have to be because I don't want to make anyone sad.

Like always, Zhen asked me "who's the first" this year?
Top in the sense of their presents, surprises and what they did for me.
I know it's not fair or 'correct' to judge but I do have a system in my mind.
I think the answer may not be pleasing to everyone but I'm glad for what "Fervyn" did.
Gosh, I feel like crying.
She gave me a call.
Everyday was a special day. (except that no-happening day which eventually became a special day because it's no-happening)
Perhaps, it's because it's just the two of us.
It's the things that you do daily that matters to me most.
A relationship between two person does not equate to how we celebrate each other's birthday for each other. I feel safe in saying this.
And you, never knew how the little things hurt me.
And you, never paid attention to my little details, to the little things I do or say that hints off my message.
And you, like always, stood in your own shoes "ALL THE TIME".
And how ironic it is, for how we described our friendship.
I wasn't that I don't cherish or don't like what everyone did.
I love it and I like it and truly appreciate.

Okay! I'll end my emo stories here before it becomes another essay!

It will go in a chronological manner!

Thank you!!!!
I feel blessed to be in my class and I feel thankful for the "girls".
I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove the card.
And I truly hope it was you girls who stole my pencil but it wasn't!
I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooove the bottles. (both of them)
I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove the pink case! MUACKS!
Thanks for the shocking moments when I opened the classroom door and when I waited for the door to open outside my own doorstep.

I read songsong's blog and... thank you...
Sorry for making you cab 'all around Singapore'
Thanks for coming down all the way from the east to the west and having to leave your school stuffs. But Singapore is SMALL! LOL! And you are not my class' type, not that I know of!
Thanks Kat, I think we grew to be stronger and all thanks to you-know-who-we-all-love.
Of course, thanks for the 18 macrons, 4D/toto and 'condom'.

Of course, the girls!
Thanks for the plan A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K...
Thanks wanru for coming down, I really appreciate that thought.
More than words.

I seriously wanna get out of town (to phuket maybe) but it doesn't seems """economically viable""" now since I'm supposed to save.

A sudden urge

2009-11-22T05:44:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I suddenly don't feel secure without tuition.
I feel lazy. I feel 'stopped'. I feel as if I'm doing nothing constructive at all.
Ace isn't giving the sense of achievement,
leaving endless disappointments.
Homework is just pissing me off.
I need to be on the go.
I hate myself for doing things for SMART nowadays,
especially when I invite it.
Can I reject?

I need to do something.
I need a sense of purpose.
Tuition, Mugging, Exercising.

Funny how I need the sense of purpose
and yet unable to complete them.
I hate this feeling.
Maryln shall finish her to-dos.
I want to pass my 17 fruitfully.

Above Love

2009-11-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

It feels good.
I need some"thing" to cling on to now.
Just for this moment.

P.S. LEILEI OFFERED TO BE the stand for this morning glory! LOL!

Their Blogs.

2009-11-16T06:33:00.000-08:00

It's quite terrible for me to read others blog,
only to realise and remind myself,
I'm not part of it anymore,
which I used to.
How long more can I stay in anyone's blog?

I do care the length of my stay.
In fact, I'm very bothered.

As I read Gail's blog,
I can't imagine talking to her again.
We are now worlds apart.
We used to be best mates.

If I feels terrible to walk out of anyone's life.
But sometimes, I made this choice
because I quit being the one giving in ALL THE TIME,
not feeling loved at all.

PLEASE DO NOT INFER ANYTHING FROM THE ABOVE MSG,
IF YOU ARE STILL READING THIS WHICH MEANS I'M NOT REFERRING TO YOU.

That disclaimer is a need because I know many people will decode it the way they assume I will encode, which I dont think it's the way I wanted it to be.

感觉

2009-11-14T23:24:00.001-08:00

pardon all language problems or structure because it wasn't proof read.

Okay! I shall blog again!
I can't really remember what I wanted to say though.
I wonder why what I show is always different from what I intended, it tends to end the wrong way. There are times I do things which I feel redundant but it "looks good". We all do that right?

Sometimes, I really just feel like screaming because I don't agree with the way some handles their own stuff. I can empathise with someone being overwhelmed by responsibilities but I totally disagree with one's inability to handle responsibilities. I mean if you can't do it, then, why take it up in the first place right? I don't like to promise more than what I can. I mean it may be cruel to the person who asked, but won't it be more crucial if you don't live up to expectations and get the job badly done? Despite so, sometimes when I'm expected of more, I will. I just don't like to disappoint anyone, especially myself. I will make it a point to fulfill the minimum I consider. I'm not a perfectionist, but at least, a pass.

Yes, self-centered I may be.

The feeling of "me" being the real "me" is coming back quite frequently these days. It's really hard to explain this "thing" because I don't know how to explain. I tried explaining these to many people but they just don't get it. And I freak myself out for being able to feel, see, think and actually be conscious that "I" am the real "me". "Me" with the definition of the real "I", and I am the one. It sounds cocky and as if the entire world becomes complimentary to me. Or rather is made to be complimentary, but I feel so. I know it's not right or normal. But again, when I type this, I feel myself doing it like... I know, I feel and argh!

Forget it. I just goes on.

It irritates me ALL THE TIME when I see people acting in an irritating way. STOP IT WILL YOU?

I like limelight.
I don't like attention.
Contradicts? Perhaps.

昨天有人跟我说她走丢了一只“羊”，问我有没有看到。
很老套的开场白吗？
我说我看到了，那只羊趴在床上呢。
毫无疑问，今年我们碰面数次少之又少。
面临不好的一个开始，2009年对我们的友谊。。。算是一个转泪点吧。
但我其实很喜欢现在的生活，真的很喜欢。
很讽刺的是，你们却占了很少数的时间。
WELL，还是那一句啊，我们知道彼此都在阿。
当我无聊要打发时间等等，你还会是那不变得选择。

2010。。。
开心了许多
看开了许多
粉丝了更多
活动了更多
忙碌得更满足

恩，我很满足很满足很满足。
或许是那莫名的方向感吧，让我有了一个可以向往去去处。

Responsibility

2009-11-09T20:39:00.000-08:00

I did not regret.
I did what I should.
I feel insulted; very insulted.
I don't understand why priority can be changed.
Experiences; but quality ones.
I don't take up more than what I can't.
I don't take up anything at the expense of the other.
Don't force me to emphasize.
I felt it's redundancy.
When I'm the last to know...
I'm angry.

Revolution

2009-11-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

I think I should blog.
I haven't been blogging for quite some time.

I guess I was able to contain my emotions well enough.
Thats why there wasn't that much of a need to blog.
Perhaps I did blog to myself but not to that extent that would make me sad the entire day.
I'm still Maryln Goh.
I'm still living a life where change is still a constant.
I keep up with them.
It's still endless.
I don't want any end(s) at the moment.
当彼此的世界改变，
当我们努力一成不变。
I appreciate.

I almost forget that this is my birthday month until Yupki told me that she couriered something to me.
Coincidentally, Celine confirmed with me about getting the Hard Disk for my birthday.
I like how practical she is. She gets something I need. (It's a pink hard disk. LOL!)
I need a hard disk because I think I need to back up my files as my son looks like it's gonna crash any second.
But still, I think maybe it might change.

How will I want to spend it this year?
It's a Wednesday - school day.
I liked how I ended my 16 though.
It was memorable, simple yet emotional.
How should I end my 17?

The best present I got for myself this year is independence I guess.
I am proud of it. It's no longer endless bullshits.
My allowance decreased in amount because I'm "independent" now.
Hopefully, I can survive without any allowance next year.
I should propose this once it stabilizes.
Growing up.

By the way, I'm not stubborn right?
I'm just curious.
Seeing stubborn people made me wonder if I'm stubborn.
Seeing blind people made me wonder if I'm biased.
Seeing you make me wonder if I'm fat.
(Actually I dont have to wonder, 10/10 people reading this blog is slimmer than me!)
I just want to remind myself.

I'm surprised this post is not emotional and I like it.

Bottled

2009-10-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to blog an essasy today.
I feel that I have a lot of words bottled up in me as I was walking home from the train station today.
I feel like crying. It's always funny to look at the past; to look at how I describe tears. Water of relieve? Sounds so cheesy.

I think this feeling is familiar, like a feeling I used to have. Nothing seems wrong but I know something is wrong. They are minor, crawling and creeping at the little corners of my life.
It feels bad; extremely. It's always good to take a bath when you're down.

Essays no more.

I guess it's just the effect of tiny little drops of water, they accumulate right?
I guess I did try to manage myself well. Perhaps I did.
However, in my management, I break down because to manage I conceal.

No fear against bastards

2009-10-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

With support, I have no fear.
I answered an undesired phone call just 5 minutes ago.
What else will that bitch want?
How desperate she is that she needs to make herself call me at this late hour.
Will anyone borrow her a brain? A pig one will do.
Apparently, her parents forgot to give her one.
I hate how she cursed my grandmother.
What she said revealed her anticipation for that moment to come.
What else will she want? My grandma's assets?
She's not your mother, but she's my grandmother.
Who're the ones who drive her to the doctor and pay for her medical bills every time?
Who're the ones going to her house to cook for her every time we have something?
Who're the ones eating reunion dinner with her?
I hope my grandma knows. I feel like crying so much.
Not a single cent, if touch wood, three of us won't give you a cent.
You drove us to push you into your grave.
Stop making use of my family, my father's loyalty shouldn't be abused by such bastards.
Bastards; any better name?
I miss my grandma all of a sudden.
If she were to bitch us again, I will make her pay very badly.
Embarrassment; is that what she wants?
Don't force me. When she say mean things, she pushing herself to the cliff.
Angeline is aggressive. - Needs to get married
Celine can be callous. (She's not worth) - Donates to charity
And maryln? Merciless; I promise. - Needs to study
I wonder how she have to pay us back her next life?

I won't call this a family matter because she's not my family.

Frustration Management

2009-10-24T19:09:00.001-07:00

I need to manage my frustration in a better way.
Silence is normally my option.
I can get frustrated very easily.
If I were to list, I get frustrated for quite a number of times this week.
Main Reason for my current frustration: My hair
Perhaps I should not cut my hair for the next year.
I hate hair without weight and my hair has got no weight now.
I want it thick. Not really that thick, but weight!!!
I dont like my hair. I really want to shave it off. GOSH!
I want my long hair back! PLEASE!
I shall leave it long to grow long.
I shall rebond my hair maybe during new year or something.

Book Review: My Sister's Keeper

2009-10-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been blogging about my life.

Should I? At least I do feel about it, I am conscious of yet; I hope. With regards to whether I want to share... I think anyone whom reads this blog will already be aware of my thoughts and emotions.

And this is how I keep track of how I feel about books, movies and whatsoever.

I don't like the irony, I don't like the twist.

The entire book is about Anna trying to make her own decisions for her "medical empaticipation" with Campbell supporting her. Eventually, it is Campbell that made that medical empaticipation for her to die. Isn't that the biggest irony of all? I know at that point of time, they scientifically think that Anna isn't Anna because she's a vegetable, she's brain dead. This is a story, miracles do happen. If anyone tells me that my mom is brain dead, I will wait for mircales even if it's in reality because she is my mother. They didn't wait; they didn't give Anna a chance at all.

Will Anna want it this way? I won't know because of the cruel outcome the author pened.

I think the author did have contradiction towards whether Sara loves the kids. I believe no one in this world can love anyone equally more than one point of time. In other words, it changes. Just like sometimes I see my mom more important than my dad. Sometimes my sister more important than my mom. Sometimes my dad more important than anything else. It changes. And for this sad case, Sara chose to priortise Kate.

For the first part of the story, Jodi definitely did not picture Sara as someone who loves Anna. In fact, none of the chapters through her POV mentioned about Anna at all unless she comes into the picture. Her total life is about Kate which becomes evident from Jesse's situation. Kate and Jesse are not made to save anyone, they are made of the so-called love. Anna?

If you ask me, I can say that Brain is fair. He's a father of three. Sara is a mother of one plus half half. Kate got the full of her. Brain and Anna shared the "one". But I grow to like this character more as the story ends. I think it sorts of fall down into place as it ends until the twist spoils everything.

I know I don't really like endings because I always know they suck. I still read tthough.

I admit that I love happy endings because this is a story and it's supposed to be happily ever after. I just don't like sad endings. In reality sad endings aren't endings but processes. Eventually, there will be a happy ending, if you mark a particular point or part happy, as a happy ending. In other words, I believe is up to choice. I wonder what makes an author choose between a sad and a happy ending. If I am an author, I want my readers to finish my book happy.

It's always going in circles. It's always a cycle. Kate is only given a voice till the very end of the story. I don't like how the ending brushes all the way back. Even if Anna is dead, I'd like to have a funnearal for her, I'd like to see how Sara and Brain sees it. Opps, I forgot. They are most probably too excited over Kate's recovery.

The author left things closed and open. Minor characters like Jesse is always forgotten.

This makes a good literature book; not that the language used is the best. But it left many things there for debate. I can simply list ten questions that is rhetorical.

Emotions

2009-10-15T21:27:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling sad again.
I really don't understand why.
Why why why?
Can you empathise?

发现

2009-10-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

我到现在才发现
原来有些问题，
存在着，感觉着，隐秘着，
偶尔让你措手不及，
雪球着。

我到现在才发现，
原来我自尊心很大，
让我不得不隐藏自己。

我到现在才发现，
越是冷静，越是恐怖。
我不喜欢自己对问题的麻木，
我无声的说出“可悲”二字。

可以让我觉得到我们是一家人吗？
为什么要这样问了微不足道的问题吵闹？

如果要我例出我这一生中
觉得最讨厌与最需为的两个人，
我想我有了答案。
矛盾的是，我小时候。。。
很喜欢她，真的很喜欢，
路遥知马力，日久见人心。

我再一次问我自己，我可以期待吗？
我问我自己，我可以吗？
我不是一直相信着，没有所谓的不可以吗？
那么为什么，我的生命中出现了那么多不可以？
Rhetorical？

我很无奈，很无奈，很无奈。
我自问不是一个最好的人，
所以我能够体谅别人是如何“不好”，
那么为什么没有人能够体谅我是一个“不好”的人呢？
我试着去了解为什么，
但是为什么不来了解我？

人真的好自私，好丑陋。
我们都希望自己永远是对的那个，
或许在每个人的字典里，
没有“我错了”。。。
如果需要知错，
那么当初为什么你还让自己犯了这个错误呢？
知错不能改，因为你知错，
而你知法犯法，那么你又怎么会知错‘能改’呢？
当然，因为粗心犯的错，是理所当然的。。
‘错了’但是对于那个错，
有谁努力的记得过吗？

我讨厌自己的愤世嫉俗，
我努力的相信世界的美好。
我可以期待吗？
有没有人可以对我说。。。
你可以。

我在乞讨吗？
我到现在才发现，
永远只有我在听别人的问题。
我好像从来不会跟谁分享我自己真正的问题。
那是我的自尊心。
不是因为我不相信谁，而是我的自尊心。
让我维持那么一点点，因为如果没有那个，
我真的一无所有了。。。
我觉得自己真的好穷好穷。

爱
亲
友
如果把人生分为3段，
那么我在哪段是成功的呢？
我觉得自己真的好穷好穷。

Regrets

2009-10-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

Why will I want to blog about regrets "again".

I believe that I've already blog about not wanting to have any regrets because I shouldn't let regrets occur at all. Well, however, sometimes we are given no choice at all, aren't we?

I like changes; informed and predicted ones.

I like challenges; those that I can overcome.

I like tests, those that can prove myself.

I have my ego. (quite some bit although I don't show it that much as it is)

I wonder why some people are just insensitive to that. I know everyone meant well, I know, I really do.

Not all intentions equate to outcomes.

Is it because intentions aren't burning desires?

I'm bewildered.

It's always easier to be said than done.

However, it's always easier to understand when done than said.

I met Fervyn yesterday. I made this decision when I was on the train back home from Joo Koon to Chinese Garden. We talked. We ate. We shared. I bought 2 dresses yesterday. I realised that I made a major mistake yesterday.

I hope that Maria is happy today. I hope that the painting workshops will be a success today. I hope I look today.

I hope that I will slim down in the near future. Will I?

I really hate to the lumps of FATS on me.

May the FATS convert into... HAHAHA

Good bye my biggest failure of my entire life! Will you? hahaha

Sun Fest

2009-10-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

I decided to delete my previous post.
I hope the next 10 days of the Fest will be alright for me.
I feel "stranded". Is that how you use this word? I feel like using it anyway.

Coffee Bean - Black Forest

2009-09-25T16:39:00.001-07:00

I have this sudden urge to write.
I'm in coffee bean waiting for Fervyn to "knock off".
Actually I'm not sure why I'm waiting but I just feel like waiting.
I don't feel like going home yet which is weird for me who really love to NUA!
I hadn't have the mood to blog properly for quite some time.
Whenever I type something, I don't have the desire to post or continue expressing myself.
I feel like writing a story out of nowhere. I want something out of myself.
Somehow I feel that there's no point to brood over the mishaps or the events that occured to me.
I won't consider it mishaps, I should name them... "frustrations?" Perhaps.
Before my battery dies out, I want to type as much as I can.

By the way, I order black forest and I think it's nice. (I can't really tell the difference between the ice blended-s anyway!)

The Sun Festival will commence next week and I hope I can perform well.
I sincerely and genuinely desire to do excel.
I think my desire for successes is quite naked.
I'm glad I got into IMG Artists; I feel fortunate and blessed.
Thank you.

I miss quite everyone.
I shall find time to go chill with LONG-LOST friends.
wanwan, purdey, agnes, cabrina... and it goes on.

Tuition has eventually "diffused" into my life.
===My leg is numb! Don't step on it!===
I don't deny that I give tuition for the money.
But I ask myself why I take up more than what I should.
I know I'm not that desperate for money because I rejected quite some offers.
I guess it's about myself. I don't reject people more than 3 times isn't it?
You can test me. Ask me out. If I reject you more than 3 times, it means that I'm really busy! HAHAHA
I feel responsible to my tutees and I should never ever cancel anymore classes because I end up feeling very bad.
I want Eddie to do well.
I hope that other than learning and making academic progressions, I genuinely wish that Eddie grows.
I going to meet my 2 new tutees tomorrow and I hope they are girls.
Girls are so much easier to "communicate" and "connect".
I make them sound like wireless? HAHA!

Logging off! Wait for me to post you @ home!
More to COME!

努力与成功

2009-09-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

My grades:

I'm truly happy that I managed to pull my GPA upwards.
Apparently, the time and effort that I committed to studies is more than my previous semesters.
Is it really the reason why my grades improved?
Well, one thing for sure is the people.
No more "bad influence"! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

努力一定会成功吗？
我不觉得。
努力是一个赌博。
赌一个成功的机会。
至少我是这么觉得的。

我并不赞同：
努力不一定会成功，但不努力就一定不会成功，
这句话。
因为我还是相信，不努力也会成功。
但是。。。很渺茫
而我并没有那个好运，
所以努力是我的方式吧。

继续加油，继续加油，继续加油吧！

Lastly, to whom it may concern, I shit-ed today.

Constipation Returns

2009-09-19T04:53:00.000-07:00

I really want to shit.
I hate this constipation problem coming back to me because I'm really bothered.
I can feel my digestive canal going all weird!!!

Why come back?!

Life is A Road

2009-09-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

I want to become more forward looking because hoping for the future is more important than reflecting on the past isn't it?

We should reflect on the current and let the current be the past.

I just went through some blogs which explains when I'm getting emotional again. Whenever I look at what is happening to others, I get emotional and this sour feeling diffuses around my heart. How had things changed, how things remained. Somehow I've learnt why we behave the way we do, it is just the way we are made to be I guess. It's like why some people prefer this taste and the other not. We are all made to be ourselves different, individual and unique.

Change happens everyday and they are constant. If I brood over this everyday, I'll have a difficult time. And... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Walking out of people's lives ain't that easy to me. But I feel helpless at it and I like it when it is unison. I am not obliged to fulfil anything if I am out, it's not my fault but I do feel guilty. I hope you don't blame me. I skyped briefly with Qiuhan today. It's her final year and it's stressful for her. There are many things happening to her and I don't know until I contact her and SKYPE is sooo bloody limited. I feel like crying all of a sudden. I really really really miss her. She's driving now. She's still in her cheerleading. She can go out in her own car. She has got more freedom now. And I'm totally not inside any of these. I'm not in her current life, not even part of it. She was saying that she feels bad about not emailing us and I know it because three of us feel bad about it but we can't help it. We can't "pull" ourselves to type that but still, we care and we love. It's still going on strong. She'll be back next year and I haven't slim down! This is bad. The entire world is helping me on that. I shall do Yoga tomorrow morning @ 7am.

Intern is fabulous actually. I like what I am doing and I have time to laze around. I can't articulate my thoughts.

I feel like writing something suddenly, not for anything but myself.

Dispensability

2009-09-14T03:04:00.000-07:00

I'm in quite an awful mood now and I don't know why.
I'm just frustrated at all the shit I have to go through for being a crappy XXX.
HAHA!!!!

When I encode, I have an intended message.
When you decode, you have the message moulded.

I just need some fresh air from the crap.
I guess I give some people a call today or tomorrow so that I have a relieve!
Convince me that you are worth.
Yet I am nobody.

I went out with Fervyn.
We didn't do much for her birthday.
I didn't know what much we can do but I guess I am comfortable that way, I hope you are too!

Stop peeping Elizabeth Foo Hui Min!!!!!!!!

Continue...

Sigh, I really did sigh.
I'm not frustrated from calls,
more of what I'm demanded to do, surprisingly not from Maria, not from work.
I'm not obliged to do anything for anyone.
I don't understand why I must accommodate just because you want to do your stuffs.
YOU ARE FREE
Then, why get me (busy + occupied + lack of NUA-ing time) to do it?

Lastly, I just want to talk about this a little.
Celine said "nobody is indispensable"
I told Eli this too.
It's the difference in the 'effort' you need to put in to 'dipense' the person.

So true.
How much effort have I put in to dispense.... you?
HAHAHA! And... are you dispensed?
Not you, you!!! huhu!

At the Beginning

2009-09-06T01:25:00.000-07:00

I feel for so many things and changes around me.
When I look back, I know I've changed and I've walked a great distance leaving everything as nothing more than just the past and memories.

This was 2007 before Qiuhan left for New Mex.

This is now 2009 Sept after Maryln finished her exams.

Do I look the same?
Am I still the same?

I went out with Zhen and Liwen on Friday after I collected our club banner from Sony Music. It was just a simple and pleasant outing to Kbox and I saw Jiayan. Then we went to Taka, bought some food for sharing and camped at some corner to chill and talk. I just realise the last time we met was three months ago. Why didn't it feel long to me at all? I ask myself again and again. I guess I'm immuned and used to living by myself independently. I had to do so in class when Qiuhan left. I don't like it when I feel my exterior cold-bloodness. I want to be happy and I want to be as excited about everything as I was. I can lie to the entire world but myself.

Zhen was saying that she got low 哭點 which is very true. I had low 哭點, very very low. But I grew to be strong like I say. She was saying about the song "三人”　song. It brought me memories. Just the mention of this song made her cry already, I talked abit about how hard it was for me to struggle without Qiuhan initially. It was really hard then. I never truly talked about it did I? But I pulled through; I have to pull through. I remember myself crying at very little things I do like eating 紅豆奶冰. Until now, I'm quite against eating that with anyone else because that memory belongs to Qiuhan and myself. I hadn't ate that for long.

But still, I know I will be smiling waiting for our 重逢．　
I feel like crying so much.

This is now - people around me. I really do have to thank them. I think I'll be helpless without them. We all need friends. I remember telling Fervyn, in a new environment, we have to make friends whether we like it or not, but when you know you got friends already, you won't be bothered because there's no need to make friends. Thanks girls. I really appreciate everything.

And now, I'm standing at the beginning with everyone else.

When we film that I think we clearly knew that we film to help us keep out memories to keep us going for long because the "honey moon" will be short. We have to go back to reality.

I have to say this is really bimboo but I'm happy deeply.
When you are happy doing it, who cares?

Does Evidence lie?

2009-09-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

I feel terrible tonight.
I lost something called initiative.
Initiative was my asset and it had decomposed to its minimum now, I hope.
Can I cultivate new initiative cells?
There are several things that happened that led me to this conclusion that I feel I must make.

I thought through some matters today.
Xinlei told me she is a person without a sense of security.
I replied her I was a person without a sense of security.
I am accertain that I was one. Am I now?
I have to "proclaim" that I've grown to be braver now.
I left my sheltered home since I entered poly I guess.
In this world, I am the only real person that will be able to protect myself and fight my own war whether externally or internally.
Thus, I have to build my sense of security. I have to arm myself with the necessities.
I think I find it increasinly hard to express myself through my actions.
Despite of the fact that my mind may think this way, my actions behave the other way which makes others get the wrong message and I don't mean it.
I used others.

Celine asked me what I will give up to "Aladdin" to exchange for a good figure (aka silm down).
I thought through seriously.
Nothing, I won't give up anything to slim down.
Is this greed?
I won't give up my kinship, friendship, my intelligience (the limited that I have) and any other of my assets that I can think of.
Conclusion: I rather stay fat. If only, I can slim down without effort.
My fats are the most evident evidence of my lack of self-control. It's haunting me! I guess I need you baby...everytime i see you in my dteams... haha RANDOM!!!!

Garlic

2009-08-29T20:47:00.000-07:00

I ask myself if I'm bothered, I doesn't really hurts or feels but I see it with my own eyes.
I mugged yesterday, I have to but I think not as efficient enough, I'll have to finish everything today.
I will just have to get over this week and my light will be out again!
I feel bad for my inability to emphasize and understand but I listen.

This is a new analogy that I suddenly thought of or recall, I can't remember if you call it a metaphor or a smilie. I think it's more of a metaphor.
I want to be a garlic.
Why?
A garlic is a spice to a dish giving a very important fragrance to the entire dish.
A garlic is not the "lead" role of the dish but it's important.
A garlic is like a supporting role yet core.
I don't remember if I hear this from someone already.
This garlic thing suddenly pops up.

I think I'm quite enclosed to myself for the past weeks.
I don't remember myself having any form of outdoor entertainment or "chill".

I think when I see things. I just take note keeping it deep. It's not me to talk about such things openly anymore but at least to me, it's still the same perhaps it has changed on your side. Who will stay and who will go? I'm learning to take things easier in life. I like how things are between Zhen and me now. Have I blogged about it? I think it's not as "浓烈" as before but we know we are there around for each other if we need it. It's like integrated to part of life. We don't have to go out for maintainence of relationship. Even when we go out together, we pick up from where we last left quite easily. Just a simple friendship that will last. It's also not like we can't be bothered about each other. It's just bland.

I'm being more conscious of the dollars going in and out now, keeping track so that I don't exceed my expected. Perhaps I should do an income statement for myself! HAHAHA
The following is my intended budget:

Public Transportation Expenses $43
Provision for Cabbing $20
Food Expenses $100
Clothes and Luxuries $100

You are missed.

P.S. I think I used to type in long sentences when I blog. My blog spots are averagely shorter and shorter. But I will to blog long posts.

P.P.S Ok, this blog post is longer now! HAHA! Guess which are the parts I added in?

I feel Like Blogging

2009-08-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

I know when I don't blog or don't post it up.
My emotions will bottle up and it's just not getting anywhere.
I hate rejecting people but sometimes by choice, I have to.
I rejected quite some people this week.
I rejected Fervyn on going out, I did say "Sure" because I want to spend time with her but I think I should study. Going out = spend money.
I rejected Agnes and Purdey to go Kbox also even though I feel that catching up with them. I know I need to study and I should not go out because go out = spend money.
I rejected a tuition offer today, it's near my house but still I said no.
First consideration, I've got one tutee now and I'm going to have my intern very soon, I will be busy.
Second consideration, I'm not that desperate.
I think my new tutee will stay long. Simple boy and a B scorer for everything.
I told him I'll get him a gift if he gets 45 and above for his math paper.
It's three topics. He's clever but careless.
I think I'm more or less "seasoned" to how I'm gonna conduct my lessons.

I don't really feel like talking about my exams because I'm utterly disappointed in myself for Tuesday.
First, I think I haven't studied enough for finance. Thats also a reason why I hate to have exams so far apart because I won't have a sense of urgency. But again, I haven't commit enough to logistics also. Why? I miss the satisfaction I have from mugging.
Second, I spent a lot of money which is redundant. I cabbed. I shall not spent any more money this week other than transportation and lunch for work on Friday. This is why I should stay at home more.
Third, I think what I did to my time was not "effective" and "efficient" and I don't like myself being not "effective" and "efficient".

Fourth and last, I did the right thing to blog it out because it helps me to visualise my decisions and actualise it.

I think I seem to sound as though I'm facing some financial difficulties here. I'm not but I want to save money for many many things plus I said I want to go independent right?!

Year end GuangZhou trip if it's Guangzhou
Next year ShangHai world Expo
Next year Rainie's Concert

Sorry if this is a boring post for you but I just feel like blogging it and THIS IS MY BLOG.

And... Look for me after 4th of Sept people! And... Afternoons please look for me Weekends. I'll be doing my intern from 7 Sept all the way to 16 Sept!

Say good bye to lazy life!

Less SMART time

2009-08-18T09:23:00.001-07:00

I like it when I have lesser time for SMART because I know I have my life to continue and work on, I want to prove myself with my capability. (I hope I have that)

I mugged in school with the girls today and I went out with Celine only to realise that I'm quite unlucky today. I hope IT went well today and I hope we did well.

I have quite some negative feelings about something and some people but I can't bring it up. I hate it when my goodwill is turned into nothing. If you can tell me big hopes and your 大道理, prove it to me. Words just doesn't justify anything at all. You've taught me so much, you've seen me grow. Why let power corrupt you in the end?

除了失望还是失望，我不是要糖吃的小孩。
你选择54我的那刻开始我看到了你的选择，
看到了你面向我的背影。
或许我们一直还会是什么，
但是不断的付出让我更感到疲惫。
当我选择放手的时候，
我发现我的心里还是在意，
但是因为再也没有期望所以不会失望了。
因为我知道你就是如此，不是吗？
我不喜欢利用，不喜欢遗弃谁？
看过很多例子，当这个人对你有助，你会跟她友好，
而因为她没有‘用’了，所以把她放在一旁，我真的很不喜欢。
我在针扎着，我要为你辩解着。。。
但是当我知道她可以，
那么我敢说我们没有资格不可以。
在你眼里成熟的人，你不知道有多幼稚，
在你眼里幼稚的人，你不知道有多成熟。
因为你的选择，所以我们都要被你这样选择着吗？
我不喜欢认人宰割，所以你想要怎样就怎样。
不要让我们觉得我们被选择是很委屈的。
因为你的选择们真的都不怎么佳。

很多对自己的失望让我开心不起来，
很多不如意让我微笑不起来。
朋友说我看起来很难过
我不想撒谎，但是我无法。
我的难过来自于很多很多。
为什么就是要这样考验我？
算了真的算了。。。

心灰意冷

2009-08-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

如果我不说出来
真的会很难过~
我刚跟玥说完很久很久的电话。
心里面很胶结。
不让爱剩下的只有丑陋，
不要让互相帮忙剩下互相利用。
挟在中间的人真的不好做，
如果做错了什么说错了什么，都是你的错。
如果你能了解，那么请不要将我知罪。
因为我不想用一个虚假的心
去面对任何一个人，
我不想去选择朋友，
因为每一个朋友都是一个机遇。
只要我心得过我就会去相信。
4大色女的努力，请你们都看在眼里。
不要把我们的座位，当成费力。
默默的付出，不是一个你丢出来的糖果，
而是因为我们真心的相信这每一次。
当一个人，失去了利用价值，那么你就不用再理她了吗？
Ｓｔｅｒｎｉｘ，那天问我说，又怎么了啊，我可以怎么帮你。
当时其实我只不过单纯的想要问她说，
你怎么了，因为看到她难过的ｐｍ．　
没有，从来都没有想要利用什么。
就像我没有利用ｙｕｐｋｉ一样，
就像我安静的帮助她一样，
她也会帮助我。
这才是真正的互相帮助。　
分享着。。。
那么，如果今天我知道了什么。。。
无所谓了，反正，我想想。。那句话，可能还会成为真的。
为何呢？那些真的有那么重要吗？

这些话没有针对谁或那个团体。
我突然间心灰意冷~~~
反正我要好好地念书

烂爆了！

2009-08-13T05:54:00.001-07:00

我很需要解放。
心情很不好
我要大吃！！！
我要念书，但是真的很没有心情去做。
肚子很饿，妈咪回来后，爹地竟然。。。
那句话对我很伤很伤。。。
我知道自己很受宠爱，
我知道妈咪把我宠坏了。
可是我一直都认为，我很有分寸啊！
而且，如果做不到，就不要答应我什么。

离去漂去远去

2009-08-12T06:30:00.001-07:00

Reading blogs make me feel like blogging.

I've got a new tutee. I hope this will last.

Going to SMART seems to be less and less significant to me now, I don't know why. I have this urge to ACE, I miss ACE so much.

I was trying to make conclusions for this year that day when I went out with Fervyn, and I keep making conclusions because they just pour. I realise so much had happened this year that I can start concluding already. My 2008 and 2009 is really different. Both Fervyn and I agreed that 2008 was the internal struggle because nothing really happen physically.

ACE was nothing last year. ACE didn't play such an crucial role to change anything in my life last year. I didn't cry, I didn't feel, it didn't hurt. ACE this year is life-changing.

It's an endless list for me to recall what actually happened this year. Why did I feel that I got to know more people this year than last year when last year was the year I'm supposed to make more friends? I think this was the year I got to make real friends, friends you know that will last you for a lifetime, maybe you may turn to be less close as present, but you know you can turn to the person when you need help, even if the help is "bad".

I remember myself saying that I don't remember anything happening last year. That were the reasons why I got emotional on my last few hours of my 16 years old and last few hours of 2008. I did not make a difference. But I'll celebrate this year because I did. I like both years. The contrast is extreme but I like both.

I want to read my old blog and see how amusing I was， then, I realise how an intense blogger I was last year. SEE, internal. I guess I learn to take things easier this year.

The only thing I dislike is...... I GREW FATTER!!!!
http://moansnmutterings.blogspot.com/

我想用中文好好的发泄
我发现自己今年都没有在好好的用中文。
突然，我竟不知道自己好说什么是好
过去我曾毫不犹豫地说出很多大道理，
然而现在连一句完整的句子都是问题。
希望下次我还能够写出美好的诗句。

======================================================
我们聊了假设性的问题等等等
我们也聊到了过客
现在的你们都早已成为过客了
你，你，你也会是我的过客
或许吧，我从来没有敞开心房吗？
因为小椅子的位置有限
所以我很排斥让人有取代的机会
过客。我会成为你的过客吗？
不安与恐慌或许是瞬间的
就像我的喜欢一样，是瞬间的
那瞬间一过，剩下的不堪回首。
过客不过客是在于人的努力吧
可是如果努力去维持一段关系
那是很痛苦的，那何不让往事随风，
让遗憾的美丽停在那里呢？
我很珍惜我们现在所有的
因为我不知道它会不会像摩天轮一样
转一圈就完了。摩天轮会一直的转，
但是有谁会一直在你每一圈都出现？
又会有谁会加入你，又有谁会离开你？
离开的我可以假装坚强的说byebye
但是进来的，我会说hello吗？
===================================================

I wrote this last year, I guess I couldn't be bother who's there anymore because I can't control. Or rather, I'm lazy to control anymore because you are the one who choose to walk out of me. Still, loves.

Fat MEHMEH

2009-08-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Eli created this song to stimulate my desire for losing weight.

mary has a fat meh meh
fat meh meh fat meh meh.
mary has a fat meh meh,
it was big and round.

3 Targets

2009-08-08T03:46:00.000-07:00

Eli and Xinlei scolded me for not watching my weight.
I feel guilty conscious.
This is a good start.
I shall be healthy.
I want to start studying.
Waves to my tutee, it's a bad ending but I enjoyed the journey. I feel uncomfortable about the ending but I believe it's a blessing in disguise because I always wanted to tutor maths and science more than anything else. Those are the subjects I'm really confident in. Jiayous! The next tutee will be better! (The mom didn't really stop but I think she won't continue after her exams.)

I want to save more money. Jiayous!
I feel money-faced now!
I decided to shift my end of year target to 3k because I realised that I'll be doing intern.

My grades = 3.5 and above
My Savings = 3k and above
My weight = 65 and below

HAHAHAHAHA! Is this a big revelation?
Anyway, I think not many knows my blog address.
Unless you link from a few people's. LOL!

那天。。。我哭了

2009-08-05T06:41:00.003-07:00

---------------
那天sternix突然跟我说谢谢，
我哭了。
那天我上课的时候看到某smart跟我说的东西，
我哭了。
那天看到有人传给我的简讯，
我哭了。
那天我看着视频，
我哭了。
那天我因为ACE带给我的震撼还有失望，
我哭了。
那天因为我跟朋友吵架，
我哭了。
那天因为你的不谅解，
我哭了。
那天因为对自己的失望，
我哭了。
那天因为你说想我，
所以我哭了。

失望的看清

2009-08-05T06:41:00.001-07:00

过了，什么都过去了。
我怎么会有一种被利用完毕的感觉呢？
我不喜欢自己这么觉得，我更不喜欢自己开始有的怀疑。
我觉得感觉从来就不会说谎，
我的感觉更是林敏的很，
因为这样让我很难更任交心，
因为我看人家的‘坏’很容易，
因为我会毫不置疑的迟疑一个人的好坏。
因为一些小动作可以轻易的显露出一个人对你的心意。
她对我说过的话在我脑里，我都记得。
当我知道目的还有虚荣污染了单纯，
我选择沉默的面对，因为我不要破坏了这难得的开心。
看着别人的沉迷，我可以更大声地说自己从来没有沉迷，
因为我从来就会一直不断问自己，给自己许许多多的提醒！
我不介意作背后的小背影，但是请英雄最好不要让我白白的牺牲我自己。
我不喜欢跟人亲近，不喜欢一个个去拍马屁，更不喜欢花心思的浪费光阴。
我的悲愤，让我好好发泄自己，因为我不知道如果在忍耐下去，我会如何。
很多时候，我可以很明确的看出小动作的目的，
不是因为我的疑心，不是因为我小心眼，而是因为你的眼睛说出的秘密。
突然能够了解为什么有人会那样，
一个单纯的开始，结尾如果剩下的只有丑陋，
那么请告诉我为什么我要努力的位置下去。
你的努力只不过因为你也有着你黑暗的目的。

My Bill

2009-07-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

I found my tutee.

Emo-ing

2009-07-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

Ok. I am going to talk about the parts of my life. I know I can't split them up this way because emotions and feelings are as one. Are they? I'm not sure.

Fanclub stuffs are going on, on track cool. Coming next week and I'm happy about it.

School buzzing, on track, hopefully cool too. It troubles me when I'm not getting good grades though. I want to do well. I want to get a 3.5 this sem and I don't care. I want a 3.5. It's a must and I will do it because I want to do it. This is not about confidence or what, this is about desire. But again, am I doing what I'm supposed to do to accomplish my desire? I doubt. (sneers)

I'm glad I did juggle well between school and fan club but I do have to say I go no other time for anything. But still, I'm waiting and looking for a tutee. I lost my previous one to H1N1. ARGH! Tutteeees come look for me okay. The main reason I'm looking for a tutee, I think it's obviously for money. I want to save money and I haven't been doing so for the past 2 years, so I realized I need to do something to myself if I really want to save money. Well, other than money, I want to make myself useful but I don't like strenuous work so... yeah! Being a tutor makes me feel useful and yet easy to do.

Friends. Happy. Touched. I tried yesterday watching WQYL and stuffs the things say.
What are friends for? This question has got 100 answers, the two answers that made me cry are...
我觉得朋友是就算很久没有见面，只有你一个眼神她就能知道你在想什么。
我觉得姐妹淘就是当你难过得时候，她会不顾一切的来安慰你，听你说心事。
I've got such friends and I'm satisfied. I think I'm touched by such things easily. It reminds me of many things I guess. I'm getting so emotional this is baad.

Family. I think it's the same but my parents broke their or rather our 'peace' again. I think 2 years and a few months of them not quarreling and yeah. Although it ended in 2 days, I feel frustrated. I still remember I was like yelling that night because my mom just don't get what I mean. I love my mom and all but sometimes it's hard to communicate because she receives less education. Education is really important. It's harder for her to understand some points. I'll say it's ignorance. My dad. I think he has got his mistakes too but I think my mom's is more because she don't understand and she's so trapped in her own viewpoint. I feel sad for my dad because he's always the one giving in and my mom takes it for granted. But in some sense, my dad takes my mom for granted too. And I really don't want to say but the spark was lighted up by Miss Angeline Goh. I feel so !@#$%*( about it. She knows it and she creates this problem. And I don't like it when my mom burdens her problem over to me and Celine because we're innocent. I can understand that she needs a listening ear but when I tell her 道理, she don't even bother to understand and she thinks she's always right which is back to my previous point about education.

I think it's no secret for my bank balance which is @ 2118 (which will be lesser by week). I want to move it to 2511 by my birthday. I hate when I have to think about money matters because it gets me crazy. I feel bothered but I'm not saving thats why I want extra income. I'm like spending 300+++ every month and I dunno where the money go to. I'm not poor or like going to starve or not enough to spend as a normal teenager. It's more of I'm not saving that's the problem. And I want to continue my mini-extravagance. It's good to start saving since young right? I'll blog about what happened to my phone bill in the next post when I scanned it out for all of you to read. I have readers right? LOL! It's hard to track since I don't have counters or anything.

I think I like the river island BLACK wallet. Fervyn like the neon pink. HAHA! BIMBO!

Celine is going to get my a NEW wallet with her little rose by the budget of $50. I love her so much! Celine = Maryln's Queen I feel like crying. She've been so nice to me and guiding me along my life so much. MUACKS!

I'm so gonna get her something for her birthday when I get my pay from Intern!

Bloogggg

2009-07-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

突然间好想说一下
我好东西都想说一下
何止一要很多很多下吧。

那天因为一时冲动，说了让我自己很后悔的话。
不很不喜欢后悔的感觉，或者说我不允许自己后悔吧。

=====================================
When I typed above was the blog post I left hanging. I feel so happy going out with Fervyn yesterday, I just feel happy like happy. I have to explain that sentences in this blog post may not flow because I add in sentences in between and blog in a non-chronological order.

HAPPPY! I just realised that we didn't see each other for like 6 days I think and it feels so long already. I was quite shocked when she walked over and like want to hug me because Patricia doesn't like hugs. But for some reason, apparently, Fervyn likes hugs!

LOL. We had a 1/3 hug. LOL. Then, she started to cry and I started to cry although it was a bad cry but something she said really really really made me soooo damnnn touched. "I miss you" I really so touched about this line and I know she means it.

Moreover, we really did hook our hands for the very first time if I'm not wrong because we are always non-touchy and got our own space. I don't know I think I hardly get 'touchy' with anyone other than Qiuhan, Jiazhen and Liwen I guess. I don't like people to get too touchy unless it's like someone who are in my space. I don't how to describe. I just felt that she was there when I need a listening ear and it was like she bothers. I told her some stuffs about my contradiction regarding something. I should do something one fine day.

Both of us felt that we got no time to waste which is very good and we both felt that going out with each other and slacking around isn't a waste of time. Sometimes slacking around is really a waste of time but if it's spent in the sense of quality time, then it's no longer a waste of time. I feel happy happy happy.

If Only...

2009-07-14T07:30:00.001-07:00

Friends.
This is a topic that I can talk over endlessly. (Perhaps because 我还没有人要）

I'm getting lazy to type recently so I've been talking much more and because it's not easy to talk about things like that to anyone, I'll shut up. I poured some to my virtual but real friend over the net because I seriously can't endure the tone of how the message was brought across to me.

Literature is really powerful because it reveals what a person's mind is thinking. Here I am doing what I'm supposed to do and I'm not asking for anything. But I do admit that I do want a return of another kind. Please don't make me feel that you like power and control. The fact is everyone likes it, in one way or other. We likes to be on the triumph.

Back to my previous topic, which sparked me off by what Eli said today.

Eli: My secondary school close friends don't know I cut my hair.
Silence
Maryln: Yeah, I think I will expect my close friends to know what happened to me, like if they bother they will be responsible enough to know what happened to me. They should take the initiative.
Silence
Maryln: Like for example, I changed my phone etc.
Xinlei: Har...then very tiring lor. Maryln did you change your phone? Maryln did you cut your cut? Maryln did your hair grow my 1 cm? Maryln etc

Still, I still expect my friends to know about me. This is selfish because I never bothered to know about others did I?

I'm sorry to Purdey very much. I don't know why I always feel guilty to her. I forgot to send her wishes two years in a row. I will always remind myself. But whenever it comes and go, when I remember, it's like a week past her birthday. I'm bad right?

There were many people whom I'm disappointed. And I think I myself disappointed many people too.
But sorry, I don't like to take initiative anymore, unless you convince me that you're worth enough for me to take the initiative and currently, I know of one. This year is quite a turnover for me personally. I admitted to my self-denial that things have changed and it really did because I don't want to live in the past.

I think I'm hostile to many people at the initial stages. Just random but I want to apologise to Youshen, I was quite rude in my reply yesterday regarding something he asked also because I was busy doing other things. Regrets, why did I even allow myself to have regrets? Make commit a regret when you know you're going to regret?

Thanks.

ACE@Media Coverage

2009-07-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

Click Me!

Waves H1N1

2009-07-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

I think I certainly have to blog about my H1N1 'scandal'.

This is a long week for me! I've missed two days of flu for some random illness I caught from I-dunno-where. This shall me a personal report.

Date: 8 July 2009
Time: 11.00am
Place: School

Maryln Goh feel sick and went home immediately after school.

Date: 8 July 2009
Time: 1pm
Place: Home

Maryln feels sick and decided to take a nap hoping that it will go away.

Date: 8 July 2009
Time: 6.00pm
Place: Medicare Family Clinic

Maryln decided to see a doctor before she go to the tuition, only to know that Dr Helen Tan - the doctor that see Maryln since she was learning ABC and trying to count what is the answer for 1 + 1. That day, she was given one day MC by Dr Ivan Chua with 2 day course paracetamol, normal cough syrup, runny nose thing and NO ANTIBIOTIC.

Date: 9 July 2009
Time: -
Place: Home

Maryln stayed at home obediently on Thursday and perhaps didn't pay attention to the food she eat... ( okay, I admit it's my fault for eating heaty food)

Date: 10 July 2009
Time: 7am
Place: Home

Maryln woke up to go to school just to realised that she was puffing hot air and stayed at home again.

Date: 10 July 2009
Time: 7pm
Place: Medicare Family Clinic

Maryln was brought to see Dr PETRINA LAW by Maryln's mother and this was what happened.

Maryln: I have fever of 38.8 on Wed and I ....
Dr Law: You have H1N1, and I'm giving you two weeks MC and you're quarantined.
Maryln: O.O But it's just like a common flu, how sure are you?
Dr Law: You can go to the hospital if you want to confirm but I'm telling you that you have H1N1 and I can treat you.
Maryln (unconvinced but breaking down with this unacceptable news) : Are you going to give me antibiotics?
Dr Law: Okay.

Maryln was given ALOT of Tablets and TAMIFLU.

Date: 10 July 2009
Time: 7.30pm
Place: Home

Maryln sat at her table shocked and scared, browsed at her phone, looking at the endless list of notification and called FERVYN and cried. Maryln settled all nitty gritty and lost her tutee due to the stupid quarantine.

Date: 10 July 2009
Time: 8pm
Place: Home

Maryln eat her fish soup and decided to eat all medicine except TAMIFLU.

Date: 11 July 2009
Time: -
Place: Home

Maryln is in the process of recovering already without eating TAMIFLU Tablets.

Date: 12 July 2009
Time: 9.00am
Place: CitiLife Family Clinic

Maryln is certified to be fit for school by Dr Lim Chee Teck with NO H1N1.

=========================================

I apologise for all the trouble I caused for everyone and anyone especially Mr Tan (PT) because...
Thanks Fervyn for my grumbling and thanks for announcing to the whole world! LOL
Thanks Leilei & Eli. HAHA! muacks!
Thanks my 色女, kat, luo, shifu, etc. And everyone who bothered because Maryln might die.

Gosh, I feel like crying again.

I want to share

2009-07-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

First of ALL, I want to post SONGSONG's OMY blog address! Go support him! haha!

http://blog.omy.sg/ongchangsong/

I think I'm in quite a good mood today.
I was sick yesterday and today but I think I'm better now, not like yesterday which I think I will faint any moment.
I had the first tuition lesson with my tutee yesterday and he got me boiling. I think I need to forge and better relationship with him on Saturday. I will buy him sweets. I think I was quite fierce yesterday also because he's not answering me.

Forging relationships.

I feel alot about this topic but I don't know where to start.
It's supposed to be a two way thing.
At my age, I find it increasingly hard to build a relationship on a more personal level now.
It's perhaps because I'm used to seeing people passing my life, I'm afraid to build personal relationships am I? Am I reserved when I share? I don't know. I'm letting things go easy now.

I miss everyone.

I've got endless.

2009-07-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

I have this urge to arrange my thoughts because I left them disorganized and I thought I could just left it there. But no, I’m wrong.

I really don’t like it when I have tones of work waiting for me. I’ll rather Ms wong keep all those work in suspense because if we don’t know, I won’t be in this mess having the desire to clear them but lack of motivation to start them. I feel irritated when I know I’m not on track and I get frustrated.

I don’t like that.
I don’t like that.
I don’t like that.

I really hope that this semester can end fast. I want these few weeks to tide over. It’s like having a list of to-dos in your hand and there’s very limited you can do to complete the to-dos because of the time factor. If I’m harsh when I’m work, I’m NOT sorry. That’s me. I want to get things done. When nobody gets going, when everyone is just waiting, WHY?

I think I didn’t share the bit about what happened in ACE. Yes, Tim has to leave on the second night, and I asked him “if you don’t mind, will you just leave the contacts of the caterer?” Liwen says I’m bold and unsympathetic and cruel, whatever the word she used. Why? If nobody is going to do that, will everyone just perish in hunger? Someone said that my face changes very quickly when I’m in the work mood and casual mood. I separate them clearly. Someone who may the best friend may not be the best work mate.

I’m not exactly the best person on this earth when I have so much to complain about everything. I simply need a channel of relieve where I can chunk all my rubbish.

There’s this line which I always find it funny.

“God helps those whom help themselves.”

If someone bothers to help himself or herself enough, why will she/he ever need “God’s help”? It is supposed to me that if you want others to help you, help yourself first and you should take the initiative etc. To me, the bottom line of that statement is simply “help yourself”. This is why I always chide Celine whenever she asks me for help in terms of some things. When she give me the answer “because I don’t know” I will tell her if you want me to help you, please help yourself and don’t take my help for granted. You don’t know because you never wanted to know. These are for most cases, of course, I’m just speaking generally.

Now I ask myself:
WHY aren’t I helping myself to slim down?
WHY aren’t I doing this or that?

Muse.
Just some updates if anyone bother to know.
My life = SMART +School+ Family + Friends.
I hope that SMART can take a smaller portion of my life. I don’t know why I’m so hopeless when it comes to SMART. Fullstop.
Rainie is coming 1/8.
I went out with Pat.

Lastly, when I don’t blog, I thought I’ve got nothing to blog about. When I start to type, I realized I’ve endless.

Lousy Post

2009-06-30T07:18:00.001-07:00

I wonder how many blog posts I actually deleted!

I wanted to post them but they feel so unimportant that I don't want to post. I think I'm starting to feel that uneasiness spreading around myself, each time I cross a hurdle, I feel so happy. I'm afraid to fail but so far I really did well in my measurements. 我没有希望，所以根本没有失望，而换来更多的惊喜。It has been so smooth for me recently that I really fear that I can't take it if anything bad were to happen. I know I'm paranoid. I just can't help it.

I have quite a long list of to do list and I shall start one because if I don't arrange them, it feels endless! And when they are undone, my nua isn't efficient at all! I'm sooo gonna make us of tomorrow to finish whatever that is outstanding!

And thanks! my grades are fab so far and I really cherish it!

我爱你

2009-06-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

I'm really lazy to blog for so long.

Everytime I had to express in words I found myself unable to express myself and I give up there because I reckon I can just organize them some way or other. However, I realised sometimes it's better to express as I type because I actually recognise them as my thoughts.

I look at my pierced ear holes today and I feel for it, there are so many emotions attached to the holes.

WCS ended yesterday and I parted my buyer. I met up with Fervyn and I'm seriously guilty conscious of myself. I'm sorry. I went out with Zhen and Li today and I seriously think I'm a bad friend. It is because they are no longer part of my 'routine'. I feel bad as a friend. I should know those things.

I read Fervyn's blog and I think... some things I should say but I never had the guts to. I think both of us cherish our relationship very much and I really do love her despite the fact that I don't acknowlegde this openly. I think I'm quite selfish when it comes to love because I want to protect myself. I know it's there but I won't admit to myself. One and half a year together as friends who shared so much, who been through so much together. There are just many things that we can do together, things that are shared dedicately. Still, I'm not saying that it will be for a lifetime because we never know what might happen. To be frank, I had always been rather passive because I had my reservations. I have my confidence boost! Thanks really. What a confession.

因为保护自己害怕去爱而选择做收的那方
因为不成有过任何陈诺假装当作不在乎
我真的不知道我在哪里，是不是可以随意丢弃
最近我真的要感谢很多人说出你对我的爱。
让我觉得自己真的有存在的需要,让我有被爱的感觉。
因为其实我很害怕去爱。或许之前爱累了，或许。。。
谢谢你。

我很容易爱人，真的。

ACE pictures

2009-06-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

I can't remember when i last read anyone's blog.
I think I shall go read 'fervyn's blog' at least.

Day 1

None

Day 2

Day 3

I'm in purple FBT.

Best Medic ever.

Day 4

What is that?!!!

Comm. and TF

ACE COMM. 2009

===========================================================
ACE CAMP 2009

360 degrees

2009-06-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

If I were to calculate, yesterday broke the record of me wanting to cry. I managed to hold them back although I know I should cry it all out.

If you ask me how much would you rate the importance of “a sense of belonging” in one’s life, out of ten stars, I’ll give a 9 out of 10.

There are just so many things I have to do. I shouldn’t complain, can I not complain? Ace is now going at full force. As I was typing the minutes I truly felt so detached because I can’t remember when my last minute was. Because, of ACE, I had to call Mr Chin to account for my absence because I did commit myself. I almost wanted to tell him that I want to withdraw because I got insufficient nua-ing time. When I told him that I can’t make it, he told me to measure which is more important and I told him, I measured. I really did measure. ACE is going to hit 80 participants soon and our target was 100. 80 is really considered a lot for a camp with our nature. I feel proud of ACE. Then, he asked if I can make it for 19th, I wanted to say no because ACE ends on the 18th. When will my nua-ing time goes to, nua-ing time means that you got nothing to do and just lay down there. The fact is I got things to do and even laying down there isn’t nua-ing because my brain still goes wulala.

But the call with Mr Chin He says something damn funny like “I appreciate your potential.” And I told him I want to cry liao. But I really thinks he “see me high high”! Fervyn says “他太看得起我了!”, which true in a way. Sylvia says I’m angst yesterday and Gary corrected him by saying I’m gloomy. The call with Kat was also … She says I’m stressed out. Why is everyone in this world say so? I didn’t feel it physically because I always believe I can do it, if I want to do it. I don’t want to school to start because I know my grades will suck.

Thanks everyone who cared and bothered. I feel ashamed sometimes of what I had done. Even if it’s correct but the reactions are wrong, it’s wrong.

I have so much more to express but so limited.

My short hair

2009-06-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

Publish Post

创作

2009-06-07T22:17:00.001-07:00

有时候，因为害怕失去，所以委屈自己。
有时候，因为珍惜自己，所以很不服气。
有时候，因为爱到没力，所以想要休息。
有时候，因为疲惫不已，所以闭上眼睛。
有时候，因为你的爱意，所以不想放弃。

有什么了不起？
我没有什么了不起。
我相信自己有着属于我的自己的小角落，
再小也好。能留给我吗？

以上纯属文艺创作

The day

2009-06-05T23:51:00.001-07:00

I know I will blog together because yesterday was a big day for me.

Firstly, Mid-Sem Test ended yesterday with Finance. I did wrong for the behind. MST is seriously a disaster for me and I seriously think I don't look forward to getting the results because I know it's bad. I never lied to myself. If it's promising, I won't complain. But everything is truly bad this time round. I won't like to recall. I did study but I know I could have put in more effort. This is what I always say. Why?

Secondly, Zhen birthday... I accomodate to my best. I apologise if it were my fault but I did disclaim. I did and not once only. I won't want to comment any much more. I told Liwen as long as Zhen x2 is happy, that will do. But I really feel bad to Kathleen, very bad. I haven't been late for every long.

Thirdly, I met up with Yupki, the person whom 'run' SMART English with me. She's different from what I imagined, I was shocked. But it was an nice evening and my night was good. Thanks to Yupki, I saw alot of journalists, reporters or editors this two days. I was amazed. Good time. Good night. Beyond words.

懒人的定义

2009-05-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

懒人的基本条件呢就是要舒服不担心衣服绉了、头发乱了。饿了伸手就有东西吃困了就地窝着睡不活动、不流汗不会造成肌僵硬。天塌下来了顶多掀掀眼皮其他的一切顺其自然

I am to be a 懒人！

Dad's birthday

2009-05-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

HAHA! I shall blog before I go out.

I skipped CCS yesterday. No sense of guilt. I was really feeling damn terrible with that congested mucus and itchy throat etc. I finally got better TODAY! Alvena sam didn't go. Actually, if I know Alvena Sam won't come, I won't go school at all. But it's okay. I thought of staying but it's quite pointless since it's CCS. After I left, I went to collect my cards and replace my ATM card, went NTUC. I slept the moment I reached home I think. I keep sleeping and sleeping until I'm supposed to go out to celebrate my dad's birthday.

I lost the sms competition AGAIN. I'm the 2nd to text my dad=(

This week and the following week is gonna be real taxing on me. Ace is acelerating now and will go on full speed in no time. I can't remember when was the last time I spent a day without doing anything ace. I tried studying but nothing seems to go in. Dazing at a few sheets of paper with prints on it, don't seem to work, I can't read.

Blogging without that much of a emotion feels simple yet weird.

I had some heavy feelings yesterday but I hope it can be dissolved. Both Celine and I had some problems sleeping yesterday. We talked for awhile before mr zhou knocked us down. I told her sometimes it isn't good to have education, the real and proper one. I don't blame people who can't think because they don't have it. Is it mean to say it this way? I don't mean to sound harsh or what but I seriously think that many people are myopic in their way and sometimes, it pisses me off.

I'm paranoid, am I?

Forget it. I don't want to make it as though I set myself apart because I'm just human too.

Pardon my ***

Living without.

2009-05-24T21:12:00.001-07:00

I didn’t blog last night. I told Celine I didn’t feel like and we both went to bed together.

Nothing pretty much happened yesterday but I enjoyed myself, studying, resting and going out at night. I ate 3 ‘zang’ yesterday, that’s not what a sick person is supposed to do. We went to baibai at night, it was quite funny to how Celine reacted to mommy when mommy ask her to go.

Mom: Celine今晚跟我们一起去拜娘娘
Celine: huh…你问妹妹要不要去，妹妹去我就去。
妹妹(which is me) : ok lor.
Celine: HUH! I thought we will say you won’t go that’s why I say ask you!

In the end, we both went and I finally got to eat my feifei wanton mee. I was also funny to see how my mom fussed over which feifei to eat because the two different sides got food she wanted to order and how my dad and us was like -_-“””.

On the way back, we were all playing my mom. Sounds wrong. LOL! We are joking about old times and how my mom used to cook.

This is just all life isn’t it? What I blogged about? Well, something more happened yesterday about this person called Cherie. Cherie is like a person taking up 0.0000001% of my life. She’s the head of RYFC-Malaysia. She had a car accident, in coma, and her heartbeat stopped once. Rainie reacted to this thing. This incident got me thinking. I met her in person during aizhai’s event. Life is just so full of changes isn’t it? Unpredictable. I was surprised but not depressed. I see it as part of life. I took it easy.

What if it’s not Cherie? What if it’s just a nobody Rainie Fan? Would it still be the same? Cherie is a person who practically breathe Rainie, talk Rainie, sleep Rainie, eat Rainie and you can just go on. This isn’t healthy for her to do this. I’m not like that. If I were to give a percentage of myself to Rainie, I will only give a minimal percentage. I am mine. I’m healthy. I can live without Rainie, it’s a matter of choice and I choose not to at the moment. I chatted with 色女about RM the other day, we actually have the common thing. We chose the same person if we were to choose between Mike or Rainie. We chose the guy. Ten years down the road, where will I be? Will I still be a fan? I don’t know.

After all, we are all insignificant in our way. Similarly, we are significant.

A sense of mission

2009-05-22T09:11:00.001-07:00

I’m here blogging again at the last few minutes of the day.

I cut my nails short. I realized I like it short for many reasons, not those nakedly short but reasonably short. First, it makes the keys more felt when I type. Second, I can massage my ‘skull’ properly with my ‘fore-fingers’. It just mainly makes my fingers more functional. But I hate having those super short nails where the dirt gets trapped even MORE easily.

I walked to the train station on time to realize that I forgot my purse at home, walked home, cabbed to school because I don’t want to break my record of not being late this term and I really and sincerely don’t want to be late. Lesson ended in less than 1.5 hours, trained home; realize I lost my ATM card. This week is just disastrous. Am I really that clumsy? Or it is just that I’m unlucky? Nothing turns out good this week serious.

I purposely went skype today because it’s Qiuhan’s birthday for states timing. She was telling me about her stories and all. There’s just this part when I explained to her for my perspective which bothers me some bit. I told her about what Jackie Chan said. He said that he scolded his son for calling him during Fathers’ Day because if he’s good to the person, everyday can be Fathers’ Day, everyday can be the birthday. This was simply just my P.O.V. Why only give presents on Christmas? Why only gathering on festivals?

Tomorrow is Rainie’s Birthday Party. Why I’m not excited like everyone else is, anticipating for some miracle? I told Yupki I’m too busy to think of anything. She offered to help me do work. LOL. Yeah right. But I don’t really feel comfortable to pass on my obligations to anyone. I don’t know why. Perhaps, it’s just a sense of mission.

When can I ever get a real rest?

2009-05-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

I think I should blog before today end and it's 5 minutes before today end.

I really feel tired. I'm sick. But I think I'm not that 'sick', it's just that I feel really tired. I never wanted my attitude to triumph over my tasks. I always believed that if I think that it's okay and manageable, then, I can do it. Thats why I always try to avoid thinking or all my obligations and work to do. This time round, I really want to admit that I'm tired.

Tired in all aspects. Yawns.

Thanks to the 14 people who ask me to drink more water.
6 people who ask me to sleep. And 2 who asked me to eat more fruits. (LOL)

I want to touch about how I feel about stories, I just hope it will not take me long. I read this story thinking that it'll have a happy ending with the male and female leads together. All stories happens this way and I like it, I can repeat reading the same story or same plot just simply because I like it. I was really angry when the outcome of the story turns out to disgust me. I can't take that... out of order-ness.

But I realise I can't do anything to change the way the story is.

Apples

2009-05-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I really like doing nothing. But it's doing nothing with a sense of purpose. I don't like it when we have no sense of purpose. I abhore the lack of sense of purpose. Times are different. Time and tide waits for no man.

I thought I was able to handle my emotions last night until some things truly sparked off my agitation. I didn't know that I felt that way I until I conveyed my message to Zhen. We were both feeling down. We both cried, quite badly. When the tears just flow, I truly did feel better. Isn't that Taoism?

Her issue is more severe and 'existent' as compared to mine. My problem was more of an internal one that links outwards because I know things aren't right. I'm those who will brood over an issue for very long until it's settled. Her problem is like a snowball. I feel guilty towards her. For god knows how long, I've tried to contain my problems and swho worrows thinking that I can handle it myself. In the end, I can't. I can't. I can't. She was there when I broke down. Was I there for her? I feel bad, real bad. To people who need me, my hotline is alwasys open. But I don't guarrantee I pick up my phone because 3 out of 5 times, I don't.

I'm sick now - Sore throat. I hope it won't worsen into anything worse.

My mom cut apples for me, and she even 'shave' apple skin for me. (Actually, I like the skin but it's her '心意' for someone who doesn't like to cook or go into the kitchen.)

背叛了两难

2009-05-19T05:53:00.001-07:00

I think changing of the skin really helps in my mood to blog.

I really feel so guilty to skip lessons today (in every aspect). Guilt is a feeling that exists to make one feel better. Isn’t it so? If I know I will be guilty and wrong, then I won’t even commit it. That’s why I think my guilt makes me a hypocrite. We have to make choices. Inevitable, isn’t it?

I talked a lot with Fervyn today. I think there’s a curse with our ‘outings’, we always have to walk A LOT. I printed pictures today. I feel happy looking at the pictures. The feeling is always different to see in printed out into photos. You can touch and feel it for yourself.

It stops here. Kathleen msn-ed me about going to university. She says she wants to go Uni. This got me thinking. Should I go Uni? Frankly speaking, I think that the 4 years will be a waste of time just to get a degree. But of course, it’s a recognize one. But thinking, why not just get a part time and easy to do degree and do another master quickly? Doesn’t it make more sense? But I do agree Uni is part of life. I think… it’s also whether I can make it or not. With a current 3.1, where can I go?

I miss a lot of people, including people I just see today.

突然感伤得想要哭，情绪的失控不是我所能掌握的。
如果我快乐，不要来烦我好吗？
我的珍惜，我的付出，好像被利用了。
想念，你的好。

背叛了两难

2009-05-19T05:53:00.000-07:00

It's missing

2009-05-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

There are many times that I feel very emotional but something seems to be missing. What is missing? I seriously think I'm very fortunate and very pleased with my current life. But something is missing. Something isn't intact. I don't want to lie to myself. Perhaps, I'm just thinking to much. Sensitivity.

THere are many times that I say I want to pick up blogging again. But thinking, blogging seems to make me emotional. Does it exaggerated my feelings? Does it arranges it, preventing it to manifeast into something worse off?

I lost my Ezlink Card and Admin Card. And I thought I lost my ATM card. Why wasn't I surprised? Why wasn't I shocked? Why didn't I cry like I'm suppposed to? I used to cry over trival matters, didn't I? That was Maryln, years back. Why didn't I fear?

I pondered over. If I lost my ezlink card, I can use my mom's until the new one is sent to me. If I lost my admin card, I'll pay $10 to make a new one. If I lost my ATM card, I'll check if the money is still inside, terminate the card, pay $5 and make a new one. I don't think anyone can decode my password.

We were talking about passwords the other day. Different people sets the password differently and mine is a line. Many people will think that it's 52030, but I'm going to disappoint you because I won't give myself away that easily. (I think I do sometimes, I say things that I don't remember I said) How will you encode your password? Celine managed to decode the first part of my password for typed. But ATM wise, no one ever did, except when I stupidly used my birthday.

I'm lazy to do something to my blog and I'm lazy to blog. I shall throw it back to original look with a simple thingy and all.

我的心声

2009-05-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

有多久没有blog了？
其实我也不清楚，
我渐渐发现，
我再也不想记录着一切。
看似美好的一切，
藏着许多秘密。
就当我快窒息的时候，
我选择将他们吞没，
因为没有其他方式可以更好。
吞没。

有时候，苦，自己知道就好了。
有人说过，我很喜欢为自己辩解。
我觉得不知道什么时候开始
我已经不想这么做。
或许我真的累了
不想要在争什么。
如果没有你，如果我们不认识。。。

有什么了不起？
就是了不起。
有什么了不起？
比你了不起。
有什么了不起？
了不起就是了不起。
我说3次就是真的，
我真的没有什么了不起成以三。

最后我感谢所有在我身边的人，
默默支持我的人。
我很好，真的很好。
有时候眼泪真的是一种成长的滋味。
我爱的人，谢谢你。

失望

2009-05-11T07:51:00.001-07:00

如果心有了隔膜，就不会再相信了。
我好失望。
我做了我应该做的，
问心无愧。
怎么一切感觉都是我的错呢？

我知道我明天会上skype。

ACE

2009-05-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

Time to time again I tell myself I can. To me, it’s always a matter of whether you want it or not. There were times recently when I feel that it is out of my hands. I was quite disappointed in myself for some matters but I reckon it’s also because it’s just not my field maybe.

I feel tired today. Despite juggling between school, fan club matters and ace for some time, I haven’t felt sooo tired like today. I used to feel that I’m so occupied for this last year. But this year, my attitude changed and I really think that what I’m doing is too little. I wished I’ve done more. Even though, I feel so tired now. I’m not done with minutes for today. There seems to be list of things I have to do for ACE but I’ve not taken them down black and white and I don’t like that uneasiness. I don’t like the feeling of tutorials undone. I hate the feeling of tutorials done imperfectly. But it seems to occur more frequent when I’m not dedicating my effort and time to truly do them.

I’ve devoted myself to this. I committed myself to ACE. Swine flu is not going stop us anywhere, never did the thought of giving up ever crossed my mind. ACE 09 will commence no matter what. I just read Thomas’ email and it’s really heartening to see him offering help to us. It feels good when you’re tired and there’s somebody there. This is my 2nd year in the organizing committee for ACE camp and I believe we can multiply our results by 10 times this year. The ‘failure’ of having 10 participants is not repeated. We have around 50 participants now and half way through our target. We WILL get there! Btw, being the admin for this year really made me realize I don’t dislike admin work. I thought I hate them, but I realize I happen to like it actually. Our camp power is close to 100 already counting the TFs we’ve interviewed! HUHU! I love ACE!

Well, I wanted to finish my google/stalking for chenglin’s cousin but I’m too tired to do that. Chenglin is harder to stalk than xiaomei. Xiaomei’s stuffs c an be tabbed from his sister’s blog.

在乎

2009-05-03T03:14:00.000-07:00

现实和虚幻的世界好像真的不会是好朋友，
爱着现在的所有，家人，朋友，等。
但，同时，我也感觉到自己确确实实失去了好多。
当我知道他们成为的烦恼的时候，
我的选择早就是疏离，心理上的疏离。
我发现当她今天跟我说的时候，
我心理的起伏大不如前，
知道又如何不知道又如何？
反而我在乎的却不是他们，为什么呢？

我今天好多感叹，
当你信任你一个人，相同的，
你会希望自己也可以得到他的信任。
没有了。
从来不是谁的错，或许真的不值得信任吧。
是是非非，我等待着。

同样的，我怀念的是无话不说。
我。。。感谢你们这一路被我笑陪我哭，无悔的付出。
谢谢对我说爱的人，因为我一样的爱你们。
我从不吝啬说话，因为被爱的感觉真的很好很好很好。

希望假期快点到来！

没有video，but 有我满满的爱！

ahma birthday

2009-05-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

erm... the pics are blur but it's not me who took them=)

tired

2009-04-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like a rollercoaster today.
Okay for school.
Happy for going around.
Down when online.

I'm not stupid. Can you at least give me a reply? If I don't have to, I won't even bother you. I just want to complete my task, thats all. As simple as that, still I choose to believe you. Don't disappoint me, please.

I really feel very happy going out with Feryvn today. Haven't been that happy since this sunday during the family gathering. I don't know how to explain why I love my family so much. It's all about a sense of belonging isn't it? I feel like Pari. Back to my going out today, it's really tiring, walked alot but happy, truly happy. I like being frank about things. I really do. It's funny to see how we kill time. No purpose but just to spend time. Looking for purpose for the time.

I feel so tired when I get home. I regretted asking, it seems as if I stoop myself low, but I know this is an inevitable. I think I'm too egoistic. But I did let down my ego, it was a zero. Forget about it, just let nature takes its course.

Anyways, I really feel thankful to alot of people who helped me greatly. Thanks.
如果我选择保持一段距离
你会更快乐吗？
我想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起做梦
还记得那年生日

I need to do something to help myself. I don't want my blog to be a "nobody nobody nobody but you"... read LOL!
At least I still know of a few yous who read.

I always have to make my problems sound like no problem. But only you can hear them out, only you can sense that, only you can activate my tear glands when I have the need to relieve. Thanks for watching my tears leave. Don't assume anything from here please. You will think that I'm refering to her, but I'm not.

这段路我走得累了
我知道自己累了
所以我选择被动了
可回忆还是会追随我左右。

Sternix says I'm 外强内脆弱, but I actually believe that anyone can be strong if we tell ourselves that we are. I'm happy for the current.

blister

2009-04-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

It hurts!

Revolving sushi

2009-04-23T05:20:00.000-07:00

约定

2009-04-21T08:40:00.001-07:00

这个星期我过的很充实耶～
我星期１跟莉ｘ２真ｘ２出门
玩到１２点到家
休息了２天恢复元气
然后星期４早上＋下午跟ｐａｔｒｉｃｉａ出门
然后晚上有ａｃｅ　ｍｅｅｔｉｎｇ
休息了１天
然后星期６帮ｐａｔｒｉｃｉａ收拾ｈｏｓｔｅｌ
而且还跟秋涵ｗｅｂｃａｍ好久哦～　
本来还有ace的可是我睡过头了！
马上就要开学了
休息了那么久
这个假期我真的休息了
只是希望自己不要烂掉就好

昨天跟秋涵ｗｅｂｃａｍ是我最大的收获
我们真的说了很多东西
好朋友最重要的就是能够在同一个频率上吧
而我们是这样的没错
我知道好朋友还是会用不一样的地方
可是至少要在同一个频率上
我昨天说了很多我觉得我自己不会说的话
说着说着竟然就哭了起来，好没出息
可是眼泪就是我的体会，成长的滋味不是吗哈
如果她没有问，我或许不会说出我的感受吧
毕竟我不想难为任何人，这是我的问题啊
或许她感觉到了，或许她
她问了我也答了
或许就是因为如此我们才会有那种相惜吧
我们都是希望被珍惜的
如果觉得自己不被需要了
如果已经努力过了
那么我们都觉得为什么要难为自己去主动呢
如果对方不珍惜的你主动
把你的主动当作是必然的那么我岂不是很犯溅
感觉才会是最真实的
我敢说我的感觉从来没有错过
而我也知道我不被需要了
你有我的祝福

我常常在想啊
其实做事没有对错
只要那个事可以让大多数的人开心
那就是对的
我一直以来都是这样做着。

I don't want any punctuation to signal anything.

不想让自己没有事情做
所以。。。
星期一陪ｐａｔｒｉｃｉａ在学校逛
星期二满天课＋ａｃｅ　ｍｅｅｔｉｎｇ
星期三去莉ｘ２家打麻将
星期五满天课＋小强莉ｘ２去ｋｂｏｘ

星期四问ｃｅｌｉｎｅ要不要逛街好了
我很久没有买衣服耶～
开始计划下下个星期
我要把自己填慢慢动起来动起来动起来
来约我吧！男的女的老的少的
BUT我的假日是给家人还有自己发兰的哈哈

把这个file 改做乐吧
跟秋涵说完之后我真的豁然开朗我多哦
我们还很白痴的说未来~哈哈
想想我很久不敢对未来有什么期待
所以要谢谢那个女人啦
我们一定要一起去旅行哦
等我们大家比较有能力的时候
我们一定要一起去
==================
这个是好几天前打的。

I feel English now. HA! My life is VERY happening since school starts. The lessons are quite packed and I have own actitivities. hmm... Just want to post this and go sleep!

1po

2009-04-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

不是很想出门，毕竟我在家里宅了3天了。
那天我跟老公突然谈到死亡。
她说了1句话，我很同意。
死亡最伤人的是把你和你所爱的人分开。
我赞成，然后再某位msn看到这句话。
“叶子的离开，是因为风的追求，还是树的不挽留。”
刚巧唱叶子的人死了。
希望我会快乐起来哦，我不算是不快乐吧，
我觉得是我敢奢求，不敢要求，因为害怕失去，所以不敢珍惜
因为越是珍惜，失去的时候会越痛。
这样很懦弱，不喜欢这样。
我而最怕的是，失去，也是默默地失去。
如果要失去，我宁愿是明显的给他痛，
而不是这种默默地无形中的痛，这样的无形中的有形很恐怖。
他就是在那里，可是你却感觉不到那个实在感，想拔也拔不掉。

某天msn，真真跟我说，我们是最没有话题的好朋友。
哈
或许吧，我也忘记了。我觉得因为是好朋友，所以也懒得伪装什么。
我觉得其实自己在熟人面前很懒的说话。
反而是不熟的人，在需要说话撑场面吧。

我要出门了，赫然发现自己把这个file的名字save为‘痛’。
无意识中，我打出了那么一个单字。

----------------------------------------

深夜里，我突然想要打blog。

我自认是一个知道‘道理’的人，
同时我也是一格很容易跟随他人而摇摆不定的人。
每次听人家说话，我都会情不自禁的说‘对阿’
可是，真的是如此吗？其实我已经不想知道了。
这个世上会承认自己过错的人，真的很少很少很少。
包括我自己，我都不肯承认自己的过失，
虽然我敢说我做人处事一向都明理，
可是如果是人谁不会犯错？
而错于对其实是见仁见智的。
对于我来说，或许是错的，可是我觉得那是有理，对的。
听一个人说话，就知道里头装的是什么了。

有一天，某人对我说“Maryln is like that... you like this this this..."
我突然觉得很可笑。。。
试问一个根本没有花时间来了解我的人，
又怎么会知道我是一个怎样的人？
我也没有多说什么，就任凭她说好了。
我的不反抗，是对于你人格的慈悲。
忠言真的逆耳，如果她一意孤行，我也无能为力。
至少，我问心无愧。

我安静的退让的话，
就不要得寸进尺，我在想。。。
是不是应该放弃了。
但是。。。这样与世隔绝，会不会。。。对自己太残忍？
我可以坦白的说出我的恐惧吗？
我怕。

如果我变了。你做了什么来帮我或害我呢？
而我能够掌控这一切吗？
如果能够冲来，我又会怎样选择？

============================================
其实有时候不把情绪整理出来
反而很好，特别是在自己根本就很乱的时候。
因为那些语无伦次只会更伤自己而已。
或许那个是真情流露，
可是我觉得人还是会有害怕自己的时候，
也会有不敢面对自己的时候。

============================================
坦白说，我对于开学会有很多害怕。
毕竟现在没有Patricia了阿。
那天出门还故意唱叶子~
有点孤军奋战的感觉，哈哈。
可是应该是会这样过日子不是吗？
月亮还会绕着地球，地球还是会绕着太阳转。
希望能一切顺利咯～　

我是一个爱逞强的人。　
恩，我真的觉得自己很爱逞强，
我也不喜欢做人家的累赘，
可是我觉得越不想就会越想。
有时候，事情就是不能顺心吧。

本来以为自己会很担心，其实应该还可以吧。
希望我这样说不是在欺骗自己咯。
笑一笑没什么大不了的。

我发现只要我自己不在意，我其实可以无视那些人的想法，作为。
因为我知道没有人可以是我想象中的那么坚强ｏｒ美好啊～
绝望点说，是他们让我失望了。
哈哈，可是开心点说，是我改变了自己的苛刻。

不再转牛角尖真的可以豁然开朗哦。
虽然我不能假装自己不知道，　
可是我很努力的假装什么都没有发生过。
这样对大家都好吧。。。
我现在也顺其自然了啊～　

最后，我不想主动了。因为被动的等着，应该会比较觉得被需要吧。
可是主动才会制造需要感不是吗？矛盾的我啊

brainsters

2009-04-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Are the pillars round or square?

Look at the dot and move your head forward and backward.

Is this a jpg or a gif? Is it moving?

crazy me

2009-04-02T05:26:00.000-07:00

I don't remember myself doing all those... Is that me... Credits to Kat

低潮。

2009-04-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

如果心情不好我会告诉自己我是开心的，没有什么好不开心。
我觉得说如果告诉自己，自己室开心的或许就可以快乐一点
可是我的心情烂爆了。
甚至好想哭哦。
有人曾经说过如果把人生分为3部分来处理，
爱情，友情，亲情，那么如果只要3分之2是好的，你就是快乐的。
我呢? 亲情满爆了。爱情零分。

我真的觉得自己是一个可以不存在的人，
因为我的存在感，好渺小，有时候甚至觉得说，我可以不存在。
有时候，有些人会觉得说“I'm doing nothing to my life."
可是我真的不知道"what I need to do to my life."
And if I've tried, nothing happens, what else can I do?
I don't have that magnitude to do try over and over and over again.
If I were to keep things to myself,
it's because I don't know who else I can confide in.
I choose to give up because I've tried, more than once.
Are you going to bother? Will you think that my attitude sucked?
We are all surviving because we have to.
I've tried, more than once. Did you know?
I was there.

低潮。

My instinct made me log in to skype.

Alive it.

2009-04-01T01:19:00.000-07:00

Argh. I closed what I typed together with that pasted cbox.

I shall type again. I have my brains. (Quoted from somebody)

I just realized that I got to know quite a lot of new people and a lot of people are coming back into my life again. I hope this is a good sign. Well, I went out with Pat yesterday. We saw Hazel and Kai. I saw Xinlei. Kai reminded me of my blog. It has been quite empty because I just couldn’t be bothered with it. I don’t feel safe exposing anything and I am tired of going on in rounds making myself so sophisticated when I’m just so simple. I’m not difficult to understand actually. I’m simple. It’s my opinions that bore people. Anyway, I’m just going to revamp this blog because this is a platform which allows me to express myself, as simple as that.

I told Patricia something that I thought I will keep it to myself yesterday. It’s bothering me that much although it doesn’t seem to be so. I can’t describe but it’s like there in my mind and I’m quite helpless about it. I tried telling the common one, she understood and she’s also helpless at it. She gave me some reasons which I know I can use to convince myself too. It’s not anyone’s fault. But I feel for it.
我不是没有尝试过，
我曾经很努力的维持着，
可是如果你能做的，
只是感动的看着我的付出，
而不会有所主动，
那么我真的觉得无所谓。
We got ourselves wireless router. I don’t feel like using my son but I realized I don’t know what else I can do at home. Suddenly, I feel so ‘use-less’. And I don’t know why I don’t have any urge or feel to go smart anymore. Whenever I get to the main page, I don’t even know what I can post. It’s all seemed so ironic to me, perhaps not suddenly. I still love them. But that kind of feeling has changed. It has changed long ago maybe. But we all knew we moved on and our initial ‘feeling’ couldn’t be back anymore. We are moving on with our new kind of attitude which will perhaps do us all good.

I’m going to ACE at a library today and I think I want to borrow some books so I’ll go early. I’ll like to buy. But I realized I want to do some mass reading these few days. ARGH. I wanted to call baobao to check and confirm the meeting later. I’m very scared that he might Aprils fool me. Please don’t April Fool me. Please. Where's the trust? Sorry.

Videos to entertain:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But not me… my part is in another camera which has not been uploaded.

平衡感

2009-03-24T05:02:00.000-07:00

平衡感

昨天阿kat来我家，我们把新的rainieday弄好了。
我突然间，觉得自己没有好好的利用自己的时间。
就算知道时间是不能赚来的，时间会这样回不来，
可是我还是无法，我还是无法阻止自己这样浪费时间。

最近感觉翔琳粉丝发生了很多事情，可是又好像没有事情。
美吧的事情到一段落了，我真心的为美吧开心，虽然我不是一份子。
我觉得我们翔琳迷的identity很严重。
是翔琳迷就不会是琳迷/美迷。
也可能因为这样，让我有时候觉得里外不是人。
我不喜欢做双面人，可是我不是很懂得反映。
当琳迷的时候，纯琳，当美迷的时候纯美？
很难，因为骨子里就不是。
我根本不是因为欣赏他们的才艺什么的，
而是想要看他们人生的故事而已。
yupki说她要渐渐疏远英文网，
我很希望自己可以这样拿得起放得下。
我做不到，每天这样为他们让我觉得自己好像白痴一样。
虽然心里还是骄傲的，可是谁会了解？
好难受哦，如果我做的一切是零，我真的觉得没有必要。

有时候真的把自己的喜欢搞得很痛苦。
开心，如果不开心了，就没有必要了！
看开一点咯！乐天派我是我是我是。
我不管了，明天我要出门！我要找人陪我去买书！
我把橘子的‘不爱，也是一种爱’借给阿kat，真的好好读哦！

明天，我不上网！不上网！不上网！说了3次，可以成为真的吗？
不上网多过１小时！哈哈！　
我想说明天我要找事情做！一定要！我今天晚上就找人出门！
如果可以。。早上出门，下午回来，如果可以煮晚餐。。。然后看电视！
就是这样，我不要上网，哈哈！可是我应该会用电脑！哈哈哈！　

我需要找回我人生的平衡点，我是一个没有平衡感的人。
ｐｈｙｓｉｃａｌｌｙ　ａｎｄ　ｍｅｎｔａｌｌｙ。　
我不知道自己是不是扁平足，可是我倒是那种会突然跌倒，突然撞墙的人。哈哈
特别是最近，我也不知道为什么自己常常失去平衡感。
Does the mind affects the body? If it's so, is my body reacting to my mental state?
平衡对一个人是很重要的，像我一个没有平衡感的人，要怎么去寻找自己的呢？　

静（哈哈）曾经说过我是一个什么感都没有的人。
（静是一个活生生的人哦！哈哈，她是我现实生活中的朋友！
静静静！I think jing will vomit!）
我没有方向感，没有审美感，。。。哈哈
感们来找我哦！还是他们留在妈妈的肚子里了？
我好冷哦！开心的结束这个post!

我的图图

2009-03-19T20:42:00.001-07:00

All lili's birthday pics posted @ my wretch

http://www.wretch.cc/album/album.php?id=rainbowie&book=10&page=1

1/12岁大的耳洞

2009-03-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

今天是历史性的一天，我今天和真一起庆祝了丽丽的生日。
今天的节目就是sakae的寿司buffet，然后rooftop的蛋糕‘仪式’，
再来就是sentosa的song of the sea，然后去沙滩看星星。
看星星其实没有我想象中的那么浪漫，因为晚上的沙滩其实没有多浪漫。
今天很充实，节目都在schedule上面。。。

我发现自己从来没有刻意记得什么东西，地方或者是人。
从前是因为我觉得的没有必要，反正东西如果还会在，
根本没有记得的必要不是吗？
现在我还是这样想的，但是我现在觉得说，
就算那个东西不在了，也不需要刻意记得。
会记得的始终会记得，会遗忘的始终会遗忘。
我发现自己带着好多我从来都不知道自己会留下的回忆，
是因为我记性好吗？我不知道。
反而，越想刻意记得的人，却忘记了。

我今天跟丽丽聊了一下子，
我们都很奇怪我们为什么会成为朋友，甚至没有成为彼此的过客。
他说是因为真真的关系，或许吧。
我曾金努力的不让任何人，成为我的过客，
可是她们都一一的离开了我。
甚至平常没有一封问候的简讯，可是我也没有发给她们不是吗？
因为我自私的不想做付出的那个人。
冷血的吴蕙孜，没有感情的我。
今天，我说了，我觉得我们会是一辈子的朋友，
我从来不会轻易答应任何事情，除非我有信心，
不然，我会很含糊的带过。
其实，对于自己这样的承诺我的惊讶的，因我们真的很不一样阿~
缘分吧。。。

我说过我觉得去年的我，活得很痛苦，因为我活在找寻回忆的痛苦当中，
那样的我，根本无法体会现实的美丽啊！
所以我决定了，我今年要快乐，我要做一个happygolucky的我。
我曾经是这样的一个人，而且我真的相信这句话哦！
有些事情给我的打击太大了，或许那群人也不会知道是她们。
可是我对她们释怀了，从来没有后悔自己付出的情感，
因为我知道如果重来一次，我还是会这样做！
感谢他们留给我美好的回忆，反正我们谁也不能预料未来啊！
但是我深信，未来的日子里，会有我的家人。
我觉得去年我真的给家人好少时间，我更记得那是我去年的遗憾。
或许就是因为如此，我发现，今年的我，给了我家人好多时间。
因为他们值得我付出的感情。
冷血的吴蕙孜，自己的我。我就是这样衡量这付出与收获。
这是我现实的想法，没有人会愿意为了一段没有收获的感情而付出，
我是这样想的，大家还是会期待着回报。没有回报，ｂｙｅｂｙｅ。　

我的耳洞今天1个月大了，，我的耳洞1/12岁。
我从来没有告诉过人和人我打耳洞的真正原因
我或许也没有勇气告诉任何人。
因为对别人来说，那件事可能芝麻绿豆的小事，
可是对我而言，真的有了很大的影响。
哈，打多1个耳洞罢了，有什么了不起，或许你会这样说，
可是我真的很排斥这回事，所以我真的是提起莫大的勇气做了这件事。
它痛，或许还会有更痛的，可是这个痛，这个痕迹，让我记得。
我没有刻意的要记得什么，而我是刻意的留下了自我提醒的痕迹。
提醒我自己，要知道怎么做‘自己’，因为自己并不自己。
如果有人问起，我会说是因为纪念看到丞琳，这个是事实没错，
然而那是事实的一半。就像大家看到的一样，一半，我的一半，不完整的一半。
不说，自己知道，自己独自分享着。

如果好运从天上掉了下来，我真的觉得要把好运传出去，要做好事。
哈哈，这个然我想起来，霍达的3次好事。。。
最近我们家真的就是好运，而我觉得我们真的很努力的在把好运还出去。
因为如果有了好运，不做好事，好运会变不好的吧。
总之谢谢老天给的好运，我们都好好的在珍惜着，
而且我们3姐妹都觉得我爸成长了。（好好笑的比喻，可是他的做法正确）

今天突然在想，如果我死了，有谁会真心的为我哭泣？
有谁会因为我的离去而无法释怀？
有谁会为了哭泣而流泪？有谁会难过？
有谁会在我的棺材前，做大戏？
还有如果我死了，有谁会知道？
我不想被忘记，我不想成为回忆的小角落。
可是我想不起有谁，会因为我的离去而无法释怀。
我不希望我家人是无法释怀的那一群，所以我幻想他们能够接受。
其实，我不怎么相信ａｆｔｅｒｌｉｆｅ，我甚至觉得永久的过着，会很累人。
６０年就够了吧，我现在还没有遇到要让我跟他活多过６０年的人。
所以我幻想这个一切都会停留在死亡那一刻。
我幻想我会彻底的消失在这个宇宙上。可以吗？

爸爸妈妈

2009-03-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

我爸妈去旅行了。他们很久没有离开我那么久了。感觉好奇怪哦！
今天跟老公聊天她爸爸。。。
突然就像起自己的家人，我真的真的真的觉得自己好幸福哦。
对于现状的满意度，特别是家庭着一块，是100分。
其实我在中3之前把，不是很喜欢我的家庭的，很不知足。
哈哈，不知道是那根神经突然开窍了，我开始了解与知道自己家人的好。

如果要说，我觉得我应该从小时候开始说吧。
我小时候，其实很怕我爸爸，感觉我爸爸就是一个陌生人，因为相处的时间很少。
我记得只要我爸爸一瞪我，我就可以哭的噼里啪啦的。
而且我爸爸很凶，那时候，爸爸扮演着恶魔的角色吧。
不是说照顾孩子的夫妻，如果妈妈是好人，爸爸就要是坏人了吗？
这样才不会宠坏小朋友，大概就是这样吧。
我4岁半断奶嘴，5岁断奶瓶的奶。。。这些都是我爸逼出来的。
因为我妈会对我心软，丢了之后，只要我闹，我妈就会买给我。

而我很依赖我妈，什么事情都妈妈，而且我记得我连喝水也不喝别人的吸管，除了我妈。
不管是爸爸还是姐姐我都不要，就只有我妈的习惯可以。（洁癖征候群）
我记得我有一次，我生病了，大概4岁吧。发高烧。。。
我妈还陪我一起睡客厅哦，因为晚上要吃要，而且怕我睡冷气房会更严重。
我还记得那时候很难受，我半夜还很过分的要求要喝奶什么之类的。
而且我记得我妈第１次泡的我还不要，因为是那种有麦的，
我不喜欢有麦的奶，不会吞药丸，不喜欢喝药水。（特别不喜欢香蕉口味的ａｎｔｉ－ｂｉｏｔｉｃｓ）　

我也记得我１１岁，我姑妈问我，比较爱妈妈还是爸爸
我根本毫不犹豫地就回答妈妈，我姑妈还不是很满意我的答案逼问我为什么。
我被逼到都哭了。。。

我是一个意外，一个本来就不应该来到这个世界的以外。
可是因为我爸妈还想添一个儿子，来挽回他们的遗憾吧。
起初好像说，医生判断我是男的，可是后来，我还是一个女儿。

小时候，我姐姐他们都有玩具可以玩，可是到了我以后，我爸就不在买那些东西了，他觉得很浪费。
而且我姐姐他们都会上钢琴课，可是因为我的诞生，我妈照顾不来，所以也就没上了。
因为我的存在改变了好多好多哦。

我刚说的都是往事，而现在，我真的很满足。
我父母算是讲理的人，家庭美满，已经２年没有吵架。　
上次吵架，是为了。。。洗衣粉，汗～说起来就丢脸啊！
虽然我家不是什么有钱人家，可是我们简简单单踏踏实实地过日子，这样就够了。
现在我喜欢我爸爸妈妈对于我有的尊重以及控制。
他们不会放手让我自己‘自由’，但是他们对于我的决定等等都算是支持的。
他们都不会打我，而且会选择让我自己明白道理的方式。
如果说是爱的教育，也太恶心了一点，但是至少我觉得是有理的吧。
我爸妈。。。真的很爱他们。。。
他们会骂我，但是这样的方式，会让我对自己的错更内疚。

噼里啪啦说了一大堆爸妈论，才发现，我真的好爱他们，一样的爱，不能衡量的爱。
姐姐也一样，说道姐姐的话，可能也要一大篇，因为他们都是我爱的人啊！

你呢？

无所谓可以变成在乎

2009-03-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

心情会因为一些人而变得好好
同样的也会因为一些人而遭透透！

今天看到姚小姐还有她的朋友
不知道为什么用英文根他们交谈好奇怪哦！
开心~~~
哈哈！我真的真的真的觉得那时候说的话好。。。过分哦！
我就是因为冲动很容易噼里啪啦的不知道自己在说什么
然后后悔无穷的人，所以真的要跟他说sorry啦！

那天出门，我很老实的跟真真说。。。
我不喜欢他否定别人的表演，或许就是因为这样吧，
因为每个表演者都是精彩，不只有压轴，虽然他是焦点，
但是别人的表演也是一份努力和真心的演出啊！
所以当他把别人的精彩说成是‘等待’这样，我很不屑。
可是我尊敬他是一个努力的艺人，而且欣赏他红的过程。
而且他很可爱，他的努力等等更是明显得很，所以我欣赏他。
我希望这个不会破坏什么。
我真的觉得自己很龟毛，因为我的信念跟很多人都不一样吧，
就算不一样，我也不会去说别人的不对，
所以我不喜欢别人来纠正我，因为没有人是对/错的。
你可以相信你的，我也有我的一套。

我很努力的相信人，因为这个是快乐的齐悦，相信大家都是好人。
而现在的我正努力的学习如果去快乐，如果做回最初的自己。
我从前是一个把快乐和悲伤分得很好的人，希望现在也可以做的到。
现在的我，好像随时随地都在放空，我喜欢我在camp很high的时候。
那个时候的我，让我觉得自己很快乐，可以很不做作的尽情玩乐。
看着别人如何去主宰他们的人生，我在想自己又是如何呢？

在乎可以变成无所谓，无所谓可以变成在乎
亲近可以变成陌生，陌生也可以变成友好。
朋友同样的，可以变成过客，因为勉强留下来的只有不堪。

Everything is different now because we're all changing "for the better". If you think my change is for the bad, what have you done to help me? I'm just thinking. I missed webcaming time with QiuHan yesterday night because I had ace and it was like 11.30pm when I finally reached home from Bishan, RJC. That school looks like a condominium and that's gonna be our campsite. I regretted for not joinning the deaf tutor thing. I could have made more wise use of my time well. Still, waiting for a job to drop from the sky.

今晚。。。

2009-03-09T05:04:00.000-07:00

我时候我不想多疑
谁对我好，谁对我假仁假义
我不是不知道，而我选择蒙闭上自己的双眼。
我的预感一直以来都很准，一点点地小试探
就能让狐狸漏出尾巴。

如果假装能让人更快乐，我愿意。
如果你不喜欢我，你可以跟我说，没关系。
我想要付出，我也主动付出，
但是如果我知道了自己的付出已经成为困扰。
沉默，就会是我的答案。

我。并不觉得自私的人，有错，因为他们都是在保护着自己。
越是自私的人，或许就越是脆弱吧。
因为他们不懂得如何去表达正确的意念。

今天的我，哭了2次。
自从离别后，我一直都很坚强，都来就不是crybaby。
第1次，看了恶魔哭，我看换得时候没有哭，或许流泪了。
换换爱还是比较好看，可是恶魔比较有震撼力。
第2次，姚小姐回mail了。我没有上skype和她碰到。
可是。。。她的话激励我了。
其实只要是一句加油，一个鼓励,就可以让一个人开心好就吧。
所以对于鼓励，我送来就不吝啬，因为我知道小小的心意，
会带给很多人很温馨的感觉。今晚，我快乐。

I did something random. I send a mass text msg today feeling... lols.. I just want to do it so just do it.
(The msg thing got a limit per time, so I ticked randomly.)

Qiuhan email:
Maryln!!! Why and when you got so emo!?? Don’t!! I like the maryln that has her preppy side and emo side…not the all emo! I know what you mean by taking things easily is an art. There are a lot of times when I cant let go of stuff and it feels horrible. I know there are times when things make us feel all frustrated that we rather have no hope and no disappointments. But that also means no excitement! It’s like taking a test, if you don’t have a goal then whatever you get don’t really matter!! You know what I mean? Then an A or F doesn’t really make a difference. If you aimed for an A then you got an A, you’ll be thrilled! Of course you set a goal that’s reasonable. If you usually get like a D you can try aiming for a C or B, juz don’t go overboard with it. I know maryln, you are an As student you can get A easily. Im just talking about life in general. Im not good at everything in life, although I can get good grades in school, in life there are stuff that I usually get like a D in. there are stuff that im not good in and I hate that im not good in and if you really wanna improve it you really have to be determined.

I don't think everyone may agree to her sense. At least I do.
Something I never realised. No hopes, No disappointments, no excitement of the PROCESS. But after that, it's another different story.

Nothing

2009-03-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

I’m finally blogging again. I’m lazy to type out my expressions. I don’t want to arrange because I realized no matter how hard I try, I can’t transform them into linguistic form. I had a lot of my thoughts but all forgotten after that moment because they belong to that moment.

This blog entry will be a simple one on cutlery. I don’t want to blog anything about my artistes and my feelings towards them. I came to an actualization that they can take a very small portion of my life if I made so. Having them bothering so much isn’t healthy to me and it will not do me any good.

I watched DBY today. QiYue says “大家都很努力的在过生活.” I’m guilty conscious for this line because I have not been. I slowed my pace so slow that I didn’t take the initiative to make anything happen in my life because of myself. I waited for everything to happen. I can have a balance and I can have them simultaneously.

Back to my cutlery topic, I were to be a cutlery, I will choose to be a spoon, in fact, I think I am a spoon.

I’m not a knife, not a fork and not chopsticks.

A spoon. Finish, I think one will understand why if one knows.

我看不破红尘，但是我努力的在看
我不愤世嫉俗，但是我不同意世俗
我很龟毛，但是在我可以（常常）为了大前提舍弃小原则

Top One Karaoke

2009-03-06T06:39:00.000-08:00

Today... Hmm... not bad
post pictures for ms chan... GRRR

Update

2009-03-02T01:57:00.000-08:00

我好久好久好久没有blog了
没有那个心情，也不想让别人对我有所评议。
My life is still happening, just like any other.
同样的发生了很多事情，可是，很多时候，
我很希望他可以停顿在那里，动也不动的。
如果我做好了我应该做的，为什么，事情还是不如我所愿？
不，我从来不补觉得怨天尤人是对的，
因为只有凭借自己的努力，才能够改变。
而我，努力过了吗？

相机事件，原本打了一大篇，可是以毫无意义，
因为如果站在别人的立场，我深知自己不一定对，
然而在自己的角度还有自己‘客观’的角度，我敢说，我没有错，
我甚至可以以仁至义尽来形容自己所做的了。
不管什么事情，过去的，就让它过去，反正他们都是回忆，都是往事了。

换我最喜欢的句子还是那一句，
有些话不需要言语也可以沟通，
因为我们用心倾听着彼此的需要。
不想去理会什么，应该make things happen的时候，我不会吝啬,
但是现在我觉得wait for things to happen会让自己更幸福，
所以我选择等待。

有时候，一句鼓励的话，真的真的真的可以让我窝心很久很久很久。
我现在的态度：随便。

照片让应该知道的人知道，不该知道的人54.

Mugging in the morning for PM. ARGH. Forget about studies. I think i need to do something to myself about this. No promises. ARRRRRRRR~~

After exam, no more specs, changed into contacts. I was hyper during that day giving out free kisses.

That enjoy face! LOL!

Do you have to look so scared? You're counted as lucky okay!

Milder one with 'zhenzi', she looks uncomfy. LOL!

The only one who kisses me back~ LOL!

Patricia and I sitting @ city hall staircase AGAIN.

Patricia and I going to paya lebar for her D&D and we saw someone stalking us AGAIN AGAIN.

Hmm... I need to talk more pictures of my happening. Memories are clearest and most vivid in brains but most evident in form.

My rainieday

2009-02-22T07:06:00.000-08:00

After much thinking and all, I’ve settled thought through. No matter what happens my love for won’t change, not at the moment. It grew so much especially after talking around with them.

Still, I am disappointed as a smart. I’m trying to believe that she don’t dislike 4色女, I feel for my identity as a 色女. No the context of the name but more of our groupie. It is the identity. I think I’ll leave her a msg at her blog to explain to her. I want her to like us and I melt with her. I think I sound like a total lesbian. I’m not. But why like a female idol so much? Why not be a FLH fan? I’m sorry. It’s not the face, it’s not the trend, and it’s not the dramas. It’s just her. It’s them.

The more I know her, the more I know I don’t know her. I miss her already. I’m suffering from post-rainie syndrome. I’m saying this the fourth time in my blog. I said it to Kat, I’ve said to Hamie and I’ve said it to someone I can’t remember. But I’m sure I told more. "rainie is part of our life, and we have our life as well"

I’m glad she blog because it shows she bothers. She cares whether we feel good regardless of whether she feels good. This trip widens my horizons a lot. I learnt from the events and from her. I have to thank a lot of people this trip. Top of the list: Kathleen, serious I think we have a lot of yuanfen. What’s more to be the same in smart and to be the same in rainieday and to be in the same poly and to be in the same course? I feel happy for her going away yesterday because departure was good. The feelings are mixed again. Second, Eileen I guess. LOL! I GUESS. I really find her hilarious about her passion towards Rainie. Third, MR Wonderland people and pervies. They are totally behind me all the way and I can feel them there. I like calling yue to tell her the latest. I like their encouragements and all.

I want to mug now. I lied to Celine about mugging finish because I have not but I did try to mug as I was waiting. And the good thing about 追星is that it’s like immediate slimming process. 2 days 2 KG. The previous time she comes it’s also the same. 2 days 2 KG.

Lastly, I did something I thought I will never do in my life. I pierced my ear. This is a commemoration for myself, for rainie, for the recent happenings, for everything that happened in the month of February 2009. I feel for it. Patricia went with me. For the next hour I pierced, I was able to react. I was trapped in my own thoughts. I was even able to reply Patricia. It’s painful for a person who’s so scared of pain. I want to work for savings to go her concert. I don’t know how much. I can’t wait to see them. I can’t wait to see ni and the rest. I love MR wonderland. I’m falling in love with the entire Rainie homey.

P.S. I think I totally ignore mr He here. I love him too. I want to see him to. But he’ve been pestering me. HAHA! Actually, I think Rainie’s advantage is her organized fan clubs. His fan clubs are in deep shit mess. That’s why I’m more attached to Rainie’s FC than any of his. I feel a sense of belonging. His FC people are good though I just happen to know one.

PPS. Actually, I don’t think I have the fan thing for her because I don’t melt so much over the pictures. But there’s the presence of some excitement for her. I dunno. But I’m truly proud of Rainieday-RYIFC Singapore.

难过～

2009-02-22T01:35:00.000-08:00

现在终于可以以个人这样blog了。丞琳走了，再见~~~
如果不是纯翔琳迷，或许就很难体会我的感觉不知道什么时候开始，我在乎的早已经不会是他们是否在一起~ 我更在乎的是喜欢的过程，自己是否是开心的~ 无厘头的小抽却能让我最开心，虽然在别人眼里那是多么的幼稚。我爱琳，爱到无可救药的地步。可是我深深地明白这个却是我单方面的想法，她不可能会回报什么，她甚至可能不认识我。我愿意承认自己是过头了，可是。。。

算了吧，就让往事随风，很多东西我们都回淡忘吧。让遗憾的美丽，停在这里，老公已经没有力气在做什么了。看了妮他们的回复，我哭了。特别是老公的。可是不失哇哇大哭，就是默默地。我们或许也会意见不同，但不代表任何一人是错的吧。我还是会smart，因为那是我幸福的来源之一，可是没有任何的坚持了。

如果时间可以倒流，我会收回卡片的内容，不要cookie。但是做了就是做了阿~ 每次说到他们就会语无伦次的~

我难过的，还是盲目那句话。老天，希望妈咪不是说我们。不要这样。自己的真心诚意被解读为盲目。我并不是盲目的。如果盲目，如果我盲目我会觉得他们的演技都是最好的，我并没有这样觉得。我也没有觉得她的歌最好听。支持他们是因为他们是他们，他们的一切。他们的作品或许占了，很少的一部份。而已我不盲目，我不盲目，我不盲目我现在对于妈咪很过分。我觉得我需要好好处理自己的情绪。因为我无法不爱，可是我劝不了自己她不是刻意的。因为她的一句话，可大可小~ 如果我盲目，我会觉得她做的一切都是对的。其实我会那么敏感是这次妈咪第2次这样说了第1次在上海对妮子，所以我才会那么在意。

没有希望，就不会失望。是谁让我有了那么对希望？不是别人。

我在想，如果是军翔这样做，我会怎样？我不知道。。。可是我觉得他不会耶。。。我只见过他一次而已，但是记忆很完美很棒。或许是因为我就是一格远远的粉丝而已吧。他很热情sunshine，很可爱，那时候的他，还是自信满满的。他真地不一样了，我们结婚吧后，他就这样。虽然他还是会有开心的时候，可是我感觉他根人之间有一个隔离区。其实她也是吧，他们2个都是这样。他们很保护自己，也很容易受伤吧。

现在就是随便他们咯~我无所谓~ 可是身为琳迷，我爽及了！happy的要命~骄傲的要死！

Back

2009-02-14T07:51:00.000-08:00

I read through my previous post. It seems too emotional eh? I think I was because I was on the brink of having an emotional breakdown then with the happenings. But I figure that I mixed some stuffs up. I felt guilty for maligning you. You were present and you offered your help. I was the one who shove you away. I only remembered when you came back again out of your own will. I’m still having reservations.

I don’t feel like blogging what happened exactly in the camp. I did strenuous physical activities and I overcame my fears once again. This is me. I will be really scared and all. But I will still do it and still grumble about it. Thanks Patricia for so much. (Don’t cry wor. LOL) I don’t know why. I was the one who motivated my group members to climb and I ended up being the one encouraged. Actually, I appreciate those encouragements, but actually, I don’t need them that much because they don’t make sense to me sometimes. But definitely things like“stand up straight, your back will feel worse if you bend down” does work for me and I feel thankful for those suggestions. Encouragements are good but an appropriate amount is sufficient.

I realized that I don’t differentiate myself from the group. We are more like group mates rather than me being the facilitator. I don’t think I’m meant to be a leader. I’m more made to be a supportive character for the leader. I can ra-ra and I can be serious and I can say those stuffs. But I can’t bring myself to actually lead. I don’t have the confidence of being capable enough. I think only if I’m better than I have the right to tell and explain why the others are bad. If I’m no difference, then I have no right at all. I have not started for econs yet and I think I have to start tomorrow morning or tonight but I don’t have the mood. Not at all. There’s more in econs to mug.

Time really passes to quickly. I really want to go somewhere overseas maybe alone near by. Celine won’t go backpack. I realized that I really very dao to strangers. I don’t like to act close with people I’m not also. I set up my own bubble. I spent my V. day with my family(clan). My mom got herself drunk, like always. She can’t drink but she drinks the wine as if it’s ribena. I want to sleep now. I’m going to do printing for the gift tomorrow. Buy balloons tomorrow. Buy stuffs for card making tomorrow. Meet up Zhen, Jianying and qihui tomorrow. STUDY!!

I never made my passwords secrets to some people. Why? Trust.

心结

2009-02-07T07:36:00.000-08:00

What am I to you?
I controlled myself from blogging because I reflected through my own mental blogging, it sounds sensitive and I don’t want anyone to mistaken what I meant. People interpret their own way.

I was in my dad’s car when I told Celine briefly what happened. (will happen) She said something but I shove it off bravely. This wasn’t the first time. I can’t let go of my pride, even to Celine. Then again, this got me thinking. Pride, Dignity, Moral and Integrity. Which will be the one you choose to give up first? What is the sequence?

I choose to go this way. Integrity, Moral, Pride and last dignity. I think integrity is important but not everyone has it. In fact, most don’t. No point keeping integrity actually, it’s what OUTSIDE that matter in life. I don’t think I got integrity. Do I? Moral, to some extend, I think I do have high moral values because there are stuffs that I insists and stand by my own POV firmly about. But I think I can forsake moral. Then, pride, everyone has pride, it’s something I hold strongly onto. I can’t imagine myself without pride. Last, dignity, why will I put dignity the last I will choose to abandon? Frankly speaking, I think if you lose one of them, you lose all of them. But why this order? I’m not sure myself.

I climed the starirs from 1st to 11th floor twice today. I was panting like I’m going to die. This is unhealthy. I’m gonna climb again tomorrow. Changes do occur in life. And we can’t do anything to it. This is what I will say. I did nothing the previous time when it happened. I was able to joke better than. No mood. I don’t like hearing it from other people. I won’t know if I had asked. Today was in history. It feels worse. Why? I wasn’t expecting anything. But it feels bad.

I don’t like my emotions to mix like now. Too much had happened for me to feel. I feel hopeless for another disappointment. I tried to understand. I know the facts. But for me to empathize, I can’t, I am myself. Reading back, what you had not wanted had come true already. When I asked for help, you chose to leave me alone. When I hoped for a concern, you did nothing but you were present.

I’m curious who reads? Who can read? Who knows how to read? Why read?

Kathleen blogged something which inspired me a lot, seeing her tomorrow for stuffs. I don’t feel like going out already. Call me a 宅女。I have no mood for anything. I watched an idol drama today. I officially watched it. It’s donkey years since I truly sit down and watch anything. It’s quite a story that I will forget. But such a dedication makes me forget about what I wish to discard.

感情是依靠也可以是依赖 (老公没错，就是这样。就像幻想，理想和妄想就在一念之间是一样的。)

老公ｐｏ的歌，让我好想。。。我不是很喜欢飞轮海。歌曲好，华研很会选。有点矛盾，没有这样的人了吧。或许他存在过。我曾经努力的要解决问题，并没有，它一直存在着，心结没开就是没开。

Blame no one

2009-02-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

I had doubts because I wasn’t confident. I felt so heavy but I didn’t relieve. I always had had the habit of pouring the ‘unwanted’ to somebody whom I can trust. I still do it. But sometimes, I don’t know if I can do it for some matters. The conversation ended well, not as I anticipated but I know it is both our effort to settle stuffs.

I don’t trust. This was why my doubts had exists. It was there. It was mutual. I feel scary when you have to make speculations and guess. It feels scary when everything before you don’t seem the way they appear to be but you have to deceive yourself that they are indeed the truth. I don’t want to leech onto anything. Stop bothering me, will you? Acts and words disturb me.

I feel better. No point brooding over bad intentions that might harm me. Even if it was never intended to, one jolly well knows it hurts. Everything could be so much simpler.

Without you. sometimes i feel like screaming at you and tell you to jump out of that little box. You never had tried to stand on other's because you are always right. Admit it, you don't admit your wrongs. When things you wrong, you find excuses all over the world. Blame no one. We are all responsible for what we've done.

SUnflower

2009-02-05T00:45:00.000-08:00

I didn’t want to feel discouraged or what. I try to tell myself that everything before my eyes are true. I try to believe that everyone is simple. I don’t want to complicate anything. I try to prevent myself from thinking to much. I try to stop my tears.

What happens to a withering flower which clings on to a falling pole for sunlight?

I can’t help myself from reading to much into things. Sometimes, I choose to believe what that is told to me. I didn’t have the initiative to antagonize anyone. But sometimes, I end up being antagonize. We are all selfish. So are you. Then, why blame others for being selfish? I read. I heard. I was recollecting what I was told. What right have I got to be even disappointed? What right have I got to judge? What make you think I’m who I am?

It’s still bothering me. Occupying very much of my brain space. I tried to reflect and reflect and reflect. Nothing comes out of me. I don’t remember what I did when I was on the verge of explosion. But they are what I did, no regrets. Was it? Or…
I don’t know anyone of you. Not at all. All of you left me there petrified, helpless, hopeless.

My life doesn’t revolve around anyone. Perhaps myself? I feel bad for losing the faith I once had. I cherish those. Only if I had the ability to keep them but I know I don’t. There’s nothing worth from me to be trusted because I don’t trust myself sometimes too.

I may be ridiculous. But I’m not dumb.

言情的领悟

2009-02-04T08:13:00.000-08:00

所以我说我喜欢看小说。。。
因为有领悟。

男主角是这么说的，作者是这么写的，我是这么听的。拍不响的一巴掌。

"我想这不只是你的错，只是我还没发现自己错在哪，一味怪罪于你。而现在，我想知道自己错在哪。"

我很在意，我对人性还是渴望的。今天看完爱上情妇，对结果不是很满意，因为没有结婚，而且结尾草草。前戏，太长了。我想，我会读完这个系列吧。但是其实不是很喜欢xx内容。

Unleash

2009-02-04T04:37:00.001-08:00

When was the last time I actually blogged in English?

I had a hard time for the past few days although I didn’t really show. It was more of a problem within me and how I want to take things. I deleted my previous post and decided to announce my blog again because that was the ‘purpose’ of my blog. My blog is a platform for me to make my stand and express myself whether happy or sad.

Again, I don’t regret what I’ve said and I’m learning to come in terms that we don’t share the same mind. I had always wanted to convince myself of your rights and your initiatives. I wanted to convince myself, conforming from my beliefs to make myself believe in the lalaworld. I paved a way which you refused to take. It is all for you to decide how it goes. I still firmly stand by my belief. I’m not accusing or not assuming.

I wanted to remember this. How great an impact it has on me? I wanted to do something crazy yesterday and today but will be done tomorrow. I didn’t give anybody the impression or idea that I will do it but I will. I wanted to prove myself that I will. I will. I don’t want to be a coward who don’t try. I will announce what I am going to do tomorrow tomorrow.

For what that has happened, I was numb for it the first day. The second day was the scary one when I pour and all. Today, I’m trying to come into terms. I need reasons for why I should come in terms. Maybe someone can help? It is not a matter of just forget it. It is a matter of telling me why this happened and what went wrong perhaps. It seems ridiculous to me suddenly. I had my reasons which perhaps don’t make sense. I’m still growing, not horizontally hopefully. It’s all about quality time, never quantity time.

I’m going away for a camp next week. I believe this will be a tough memory for me because it’s a camp in 荒山野岭. We’re going to climb mountains and rafting I think, live and sleep with fishes. I had fears and I’m still having it. Fears; not with the condition but more when the activities which are physically challenging for normal and exceptionally physically challenging for maryln. I’m the facilitator but I’ll most probably be a burden to my group. I don’t like the feeling of being a burden, nobody likes. Anyways, I think there was a misconception between Mr Chin and Ms angelvin because she didn’t really intended to make him make the major shift but he thought that was her intention I guess.

Presentation today was scary for me. I don’t recall what happened. I tried to do my best and squeeze everything out my brain. I took 2 extra minutes. I don’t recall. I think I was in 太虚when it all happened. But I think it was bad because Pat says she’ll fail me. =((((((((((((((

Many problems now… I’m want to be “unleash” myself for awhile.

好眼泪坏眼泪

2009-02-01T18:14:00.001-08:00

好听的歌，分享给好人。

不知道为什么最近很喜欢打中文字我今天没有都不想说还是讲什么

我很喜欢读言情小说，就是那种宅女会喜欢读的我觉得读了那么多故事。。。

我觉得青梅竹马型的故事比较刻苦铭心，情妇类的故事比较有看头还有剧情，我喜欢苦尽甘来的。。。

想想我应该读了100多个言情小说了而且我喜欢看的剧情差不多，

但是有些故事我特别喜欢例如

爱上前期

爱要说出口

未婚先孕

给我一片蓝天等等等

烂爆了。今天去学校才发现没有课了。然后回家后不想出门，跟某姚同学视讯。噼里啪啦的说了很多。我们说了什么我其实也不记得了，但是我就是愿意把时间这样花。我就是自私的人。

扪心自问，没有错就不需要道歉。

扪心自问，自己没有过的想法却这样‘栽赃架祸’

扪心自问，保护自己的方式就是将错都推给别人。

没有想要隐射什么，真的真的真的没有，如果心虚了，就是说有什么。

Friday, December 12, 2008：
p.s. I chose to use sarcasm to make you feel better. You should feel glad that I respect you by not revealing your names. YOU refer to different you at different times. YOU are directed at YOU. So if you felt that it is yourself, which means you are self-conscious that you did wrong to me despite the fact that I didn’t even say YOU is you. You may not be YOU but YOU are guilty conscious.

Why be guilty conscious when I'm not even making any inferences at anything? I feel humoured by the self-confession.